Shucks..

Reading my post from this year.. which aren't a lot... are well Depressing. even the happy ones are kind of depressing..

Even today... The only things I can think to write about are well..

.Depressing.

I'm sorry I'm such a "feel sorry for me" person. I really am trying but I don't think I could explain how hard this has been. I haven't written as often because I had that other foot blog.. then once the wound finally healed I guess I just didn't know what to write about.

We moved. woooooohooo.

I'm not going to lie I love the city of Berkeley! I love all the local businesses and just the town in general. However, Clayton starting school last week has been rough. Up until now I had a buddy even though we were poor as dirt for two weeks there, I still had him here. As soon as he started school though... It was like I was back to surgery kristy..

I suppose it's easier to revert back to how you felt when it was so close and you still haven't gotten rid of your bad habits. Trust me we both have some terrible no good non loving non couple habits we need to break...

With how long the surgeries went.. it kind of put us into a "care giver" and "care needed" positions in our relationship. Which I will never not once complain about how well clayton took care of me when I truly couldn't do anything for myself. He was amazing and stronger then I could have expected.. but now I don't need that anymore and he doesn't either. We need to be a normal couple again.. and I hope we can break these terrible no good very bad patterns in our days... I love him and I know we can break this. It's just hard.

I have no friends.. possibly can't get a job... but the other day I rode my bike for the first time to target. man was that a blast from the past I love riding bikes! I've said it before and I'll say it again! IT was fun! hard and soo good for my legs I haven't worked them that hard for so long i'm tired of being out of shape.. i'm tired of gaining weight I have no control over. I'm tired of not being able to dance for hours straight.

I still can not wait for the day I can do a cartwheel that day is not here yet. But I'm working and striving... Help me move forward? I love so many people and strive for so much. I may sound negative I just get lonely. I'm sorry.

ps. I've been reading a lot!

I'll try to blog more. Let me know what would be good to blog about?


Always K-bear.

Happens more then I care to admit....

When He said I love you.

I'm pretty private about my relationships, so I honestly have no idea who has heard the story of when Clayton said "I love you" for the first time. I wish I was better at writing in my journal so I had more of the specified time and date but I don't. I want to say it was probably around 2 or 3 months after we started dating officially.

It's pretty short and simple. It's incredibly adorable in my eyes though.

So pretty much we were just taking a little nap one day or at least I was! Then I get rudely woken up with a good shake and "Are you asleep?!!" and at that point I no longer was then Clayton says nervously "I just couldn't wait I love you."

I of course out of sleep talk said it back. I'm extremely honest when I'm tired so I'm sure that's why he waited till i was asleep.

That's it. but I love it. I love him. He is great and just remembering that moment makes me love him more.

Today is going to be a good day.

If You Want It Have It.

I'm done with it.

All I have to ask is before you say "I wish I had foot surgery so I could have a vacation" please.. Please.. and PLEASE... Think about what it is actually like..

First..
Whats a vacation?

An extended period of recreation, esp. one spent away from home or in traveling.


 Lets take that one step further..

Recreation:

Activity done for enjoyment when one is not working.

I read those and I cried.. I hate to sound bitter or mad or like life has done me a wrong. But today.. today I decided I'm taking a day to feel bad for myself.

I don't know about you but what i'm going through sure as hell isn't a vacation.. reasons?

1. I am not spending any time away from my home.
2. I'm not enjoying this..

other things?

1. I can't clean my house.
2. I can't shop.
3.I can barely stand up for 10 min.
4.I can't walk around the block or to the park.
5.I sit on my couch for almost every hour of the day.
6. I go to the doctors nearly once or twice a week sometime 3 times.
7. I get prodded and poked at 5 or 6 times a week.
8. I can't ride a bike.
9. I've watched every TV show I possibly can find. don't believe me? ask? hah...
10. I can't even read books for the most part because lortab makes me forget the page before..
11. Worst of all.. No one knows why i'm not healing.

I could go on trust me. So if by any chance you think that saying you WISH you had this.. please.. think again.. I'm going on 3 months of barely being able to walk.. Today even I reverted back to crutches.. Tell me if you want that? because I'd trade for your job, your broken car, having to ride the bus or bike every day.. even walking to every location I needed to go... I'd take it all. so let me know I'm here for the trading.. but I promise it's no vacation or walk in the park.. I'm sorry if this is harsh or mean.. but I'm tired.. and I'm hurting... and it's hard to get bad news on a weekly or daily basis.. and I wish my friends.. would remember that.. I understand your lives are busy.. But please don't forget me..

I'll act like i'm fine.. and for the most part everyone around me believes it.. but i'm broken inside and out.. don't make me beg to have company.. I'm lonely.. and scared.. so scared...

Be More Aware.

Just at least NOTICE when there is someone With a BOOT, CRUTCHES, AND not only that but a MACHINE connected to them.

Don't just push them aside. and don't let your friends do it directly after you.

I not only got it Once but it happened Six times in a row.. then After the movie People Walked Directly in my path while I was focusing on just Walking.

Be More Aware PLEASE.. Someone could get HURT. D:

May You Always Do For Others.

What others do for you...

I just really wanted to write about all the amazing people who have been here for me this last hard month and my last surgery.

First..

Clayton,

Of course he is the first. This year is not ideal for a new married couple and we just hit 11 months being married! unbelievable. However, I couldn't love you more. I swear this experience has made us so much closer we've had to deal with the gritty sooner than most couples.. you sometimes had to help me get dressed and even helped me clean myself the first surgery. Not only that but this isn't easy.. we got so jealous of each other both times I think.. more so the first time.. You being gone me being at home. We've had some rough rough confrontations and i'm grateful we got them out of the way yeah maybe it would have been nice to be in the "married bubble" but i wouldn't trade knowing how much you love me and how well you take care of me for the world. I love you so very much and this would have been the worst experience of my life without you.


Ausia, Thom and Baby Olive,

You guys really have been the biggest support I could ever ask for. You've come over and cheered me up more than anyone else and I couldn't be more thankful. I hope I can be the same friend to you and so does clayton. we appreciate it so very much and I hope that you know that. We can't wait to be long time friends. Thankyou.

Brittany (sister) and Tyler (brother),

You have come over and made us dinner and just filled up some of my lonely time. I appreciate it so much thank you. and Tyler you're just crazy and just make me feel like i'm not broken. Which is appreciated because it's hard to just sit here and talk about my foot sometimes. both of you did this.

Dad,

Thank you for your support. Really i think during this time has been the most supportive you've ever been in my life. I'm not saying to bash I just think Cheryl has made you a better man. So i should be thanking her too. Just when I made the phone call to you the other day after the doctors appointment I expected you to just tell me "Well you're on antibiotics so you'll get better." You surprised me though and showed me real empathy so thank you it's exactly what I needed and it's made this easier. I love you.

Mom,

I know you're busy and tyler keeps you that way ;) so honestly just the fact that you remember me is enough. I love you and hope we can go have a girls day soon. I hope you don't feel bad about not being here a ton but really it's okay. I know you're always here if anything major happens.


Toooooo all the little guys ;) (just kidding you aren't little!)

Jacob, Aaron, and Gene,

You guys are my stress relievers I'm sorry I don't mean that in a bad way but you guys are great! making jokes and just being there for me. I know it's mostly through texts but it's great and I appreciate the littlest things! so thank you!

Cait,

Thanks for the other day and for just being yourself! i loved it! silly and fun and just something to do even though I thought I was going to walk. I'm looking forward to our movie night and possible game or something nights! you're are great.


I'm not making this post to be little anyone I just really needed to thank those who have really been here for me. I don't do it enough and it means the world to me. It really does. So thank you. For being friends who talk to me about you stuff and who listen about my stuff and who care. So thank you, thank you, thank you! And I hope I can show you the same kindness.

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

All my words.

All I have to say today.. and for the last few weeks...

I love the TV show New Girl. It's the only thing that brightens my week. I laugh out loud through the whole show.

Right now i'm watching new girl.. <3