How We Met

Every year the LDS Ward has a "welcoming new members" Dinner. Where all the members that either moved into the ward or were baptized in the last year make a poster to introduce themselves. Well I thought I would share my poster on here because I also made a Comic of how me and clayton firs met! It's fun and the activity was tonight and was very enjoyable. They had a Potluck where only Men in the ward make food and then the members vote on who's dishes were the best. There was also a play that was done from 1939! It was really enjoyable! I met some new people and Because of my "art work" I learned that there is a group that get together once a month to do art! which is AWESOME. I will be attending :]. People seemed to really like our poster.. which was really  nice! Not going to lie made me feel good inside!

So there is the whole thing. now here is the comic:

Then Clayton's Section:

My Section:

Then Our SHARED LIKES:

I love the cats part of course ;). Well I thought i'd share with everyone.. I thought it was nice! I really enjoyed doing it and having something to do.. hahaha i know I wasn't exactly obligated.. but it was nice to have  a task for a change... that wasn't just something around the house... haha. man I miss having a job :/. That's for another day and another post. 

Always,

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

Oh the Journey of Life.

Aren't we all fighting a battle?

Learning who we are.
Learning who others are.
Trying to balance our emotions.
Trying to be True to ourselves.
Living and Learning.

That's all. I feel like all of us are tearing through the seams of life lately.. At least those who I interact with. At this age (22 Yr Old) life has changed. People have changed. This stage seems to be so much different... I also thing it lasts a lot longer then anyone wants. Man this battle of we call life. RIGHT? yes.. well this may just be me. Please correct me if you don't fill this way.

I recently realized why things seem so much different then my younger years. I make so many of my own choices now. The world is my Canvas to paint and design. What an amazing thing...... Or I suppose it's supposed to be. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I like it some days but other days I'd love to go back to my teenage years and have my parents force me to do "Family" things instead of going with my friends. Time was so much different. I had a better grasps of my future.. or so I thought. Everyone eggs you on. YOU can be the world. If you DREAM it then it will BE. For now that's not the case. I feel like I've lost my dreams. What are they? What would I like to do with my life and my talents? I honestly do not know... I'm not always sure what my talents are. This isn't new I never have really been able to pin point something as a talent with me... People say I have them so I'll trust that for now.

well why I'm ranting on about this is because of my Stake Conference today at Church. Please if you have some bad feelings towards LDS religion then please don't stop reading here because I mentioned "Church." Hear me out.

I personally am Battling my feelings/beliefs.. Today a woman spoke who recently joined the church 6 months ago. I Listened to her talk and Envied her curiosity.. I wish I had a blank slate for the LDS Church sometimes I wish I could say... I do not know anything about this religion TEACH ME. Unfortunately or Fortunately I was born into a family that was LDS. I'm not able to hear the stories from an Adult perspective and be like "Yes That silly plan you have for death and the after life that is amazing I've never heard that before! that's true." I however am really trying to step back from myself.. and from what I've "grown up" thinking. I'm trying to look at it from a curious perspective.

As I said two weeks ago in my Post about the ward here and such.. If I Mrs. Edgerton am personally going to be religious. I'm going to be LDS. No if's ands or BUTS about that. I'm not leaning either way right now. I'm honestly evaluating my life and doing what I can to make a true and honest choice. I want to know Full heatedly that no matter what I would choose the LDS church. I need to know that.

On to why I'm writing this. Today the first two talks not including the one I already mentioned were just really great... If I had to explain them as a "whole" I'd say it was almost like I was having a conversation with a close friend and just learning more about them. I've never had that feeling before in such a large meeting... It honestly felt so personal and that they really wanted to get their point across. Keep in mind I still am struggling to remember things... My brain hasn't fully got back to where it was before all the Medication i was on. I tried to take notes but I would have missed to much at that moment in time if I took them in to much of depth So i'm just going to try and explain as best as I can but mostly just Give my personal thoughts.

The first talk was a man who started off saying "if you have ever asked the question is my testimony true? or do I even have a testimony?" Woah just getting right into it aren't we? Well It caught my attention because I obviously have been asking that a lot.

He went on to talk about how LDS Religion teaches us to be "true" as individuals and as a whole. He mentioned things (with doctrine to back it up i'm sorry I couldn't catch where it was from) God believes that there is truth in all religion and faiths. So that's the GIST i'm so sorry... I wish I could convey it better.. but my memory just couldn't hold it all.. however i'll give you what I was thinking and my feelings.

My feelings/Thoughts On his talk:

Aren't we all trying to be TRUE? True to ourselves True to others. I know I am... It really hit my core to think about these things. We all want True friends. True bosses. True lives in general. I know I do I know I want to be able to trust people and to be trusted. That's all I ever wanted. I could care less what they believe in what they ate fro breakfast what shoes they wore today.. Just to know you can have a True relationship with someone. That's what matters to me. How you get there.. How you become that person who can be True and Honest and Humble.. That's your choice. I may choose the LDS church. You  may Choose Wave Lengths and Happy thoughts. Fine with me. I also ask for respect though.. I give respect and I am willing to talk about why I do or believe certain things. But I do not want to be attacked for feel like I need to "prove" something to someone who clearly doesn't believe what I do. Why should I need to defend myself for My opinions. If I can be True, Loyal, Fun, Loving, Caring, A friend then why does that matter?

The second talk was given by a woman who's husband died last month at scout camp.. Wow Brave... to get up and talk about something that happened so recently and that is such a hard thing to go through. It was so amazing.. I hope I can give it justice. She wasn't old. She has young children. But it was amazing.

I would not even begin to give this justice without having the talk in front of me. The important part about it though was Meekness.

Meekness - Godfearing, Righteous, humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.

My feelings/Thoughts on her talk:

Lets think about that for a minute.. The one that stuck out to me the most was "teachable." All the others I've heard a million and 10 times. but Teachable... now that was something new to think about.. being Meek is to be teachable. huh... well I know there are situations where I really struggle with this..

You can learn so much from people though... what they believe or what you believe should not keep you away from having these experiences in life... Or causing problems in relationships that you want to keep. In a family setting especially. Lets learn to be Meek in every situation. Lets be Teachable. This woman said she had a moment where she felt Guilty because she felt Joy or Happiness on a certain day.. That maybe she didn't love her Husband enough and wasn't morning enough. Then she went on to say that, that wasn't the case. That with Meekness she is able to move forward and I think in a sense be "teachable" she is still able to see the joy in life and the beauty all around her. Even with such a loss.

Lets learn to be more teachable.. I want to at least... Who is with me?

I feel like I"m doing a pretty good job a sole human being. I know I have a lot to work on.. but I'm trying really hard to be True to myself.. and to be Teachable. I have so much I want to learn. I hope I can continue to keep these talks in my mind. I wanted to share how I felt and how I generally feel about "life" and growing with people. I hope you enjoyed

Always,

 Mrs. Edgerton

Emotions.Emotions.Emotions.

I know I know.. most are you are already probably all sick of my disability posts.. but I need this.. I need the outlet.. and I need the understanding from the people in my life.. It helps me feel like you know me more. I know my family likes these and I appreciate sooo much the love and support I got from you when I posted about it. A lot of you said it was brave.. I don't know how much I agree with that. I'd like to think I'm brave.. I just feel like it's honest. To me and to you.

So One of my new fav TV shows is Switched At Birth. It's an ABC family (of course) show that started I think last year? It's about a family who's babies got switched at birth and recently discover it. You get to go along with them down their journey of letting their kids meet their Biological parents. One of the daughters was in a fire at 3 years old and lost her hearing. So she is now Deaf. This new season started this week.. and the episode just hit home.

I know.. you guys are asking "but kristy you aren't deaf?!" No I am not.. but it's amazing the how the same feelings and emotions and thoughts come from a disability that is sooo different from mine.. yet we feel the same pain. I wanted to depict how it feels to write these posts.. and how it feels to be in a situation with a disability ANY disability.. I know it can be hard to "understand" I get it.. this is me reaching out.. and showing you more. I hope it helps.

I put this video up to show the "situation" before this she was having interviews trying to find a job. She had 12 interviews and each time when she told them she was deaf she knew the interview was over.. She kept trying though.. eventually she asked for help from her mother and Landed this job in this guys kitchen. 

This is the stage I'm at.. this clip.. is how I feel now.. I don't feel a way out when it comes to my "future" I know it's different but the feelings.. and the emotion and how she explains how she will be "stuck" is exactly how I feel... and the part where she talks about "accommodations" where if the chief would just Learn a few signs or look at her when he talks.. how much that would help.. this is exactly how I feel about going to school.. if they could just "dumb" the tests down it would help me so much. or other things also.. it's hard to feel like you can never get anywhere..

And right here... oh man my I just cry watching this.. It's exactly who I am... watching this episode just really tears at my heart strings.. I didn't realize why when my friend was making fun of how she talked and the way they signed... I didn't realize why I got so defensive but this episode really showed me why I feel the way I do. Me and them are in such similar situations.. but it's not fair. And I don't want anyone telling me that my "goals are too high." This last clip really explains how it feels.. how you don't want people doing things for you.. and how it's hard to ask for help.. but she pushes on.. she says "I cry I pout and then I handle it on my own." and she also says "I guess go back and try to get a system like you said. Make him realize I'm worth the extra effort." That's my attitude.. that's how I deal with this.. sometimes I fell.. and like I said in my first post.. about going Back to school.. I felt so helpless when I couldn't get the help.. but I still continued to go.. I gave it my best and all I had.. and to me I failed.. Right now ..

right here in this moment in life.. I haven't figured out how to ".. go back and try to get a system..." I don't have the answer now.. but i'm not going to lower my "goal" I'm not going to give up my dreams. I refuse. No matter who is telling me "what to do and how to act." I am who I am for a reason. that's that. 

and hard to understand....

I'm going to continue posting about this.. This thoughts I put down today.. were just the thoughts I had while watching an ABC Family TV show.. this is my every day life.. this is always on my mind.. this is me. If you don't like it or if this bores you. Please go be with someone else.. but I can use that love, support, and compassion right now. I'm not asking you to be fake. If you feel to respond to my post is being "fake" then you aren't understanding what this is.. and what this means to me and my life. 

Thank you for reading. I'd love your thoughts.. your questions.. your concerns.. Like I said I'm not going to stop talking about this. I need this outlet. I need this blog to be me.. to be all I have to offer. 

always,

Mrs. Edgerton

ps. sorry the sound quality is so bad. I didn't know how else to get the clips without using my phone.

Lets just talk.

I want to step away from the "learning disability" topic. So I'm just going to blab about things I'm thinking about.

First. Me and clayton watched the Hunger Games. He knows the first half of the first book but  he wasn't reading it.. I'd read them out loud to help me remember as a read. I do this a lot and am glad it doesn't annoy him. But anywho it was his first time seeing it! He enjoyed it but said it wasn't "great." I beg to differ but I'm attached by the book. I just love seeing stories come to live. I don't think it was perfect heavens no but I'm pretty sure I'm going to watch it again today. I'm a sucker for this stuff. I didn't think the harry potter movies were the BEST in sense of compassion to the books. I did enjoy them and still do to this day! It's just really great to be able to see a story come to life. See what costumes they used and the art behind it just is wonderful! I'm looking forward to the Hobbit so muuch! can't wait.

On to Topics of MOVING:

One..

 We couldn't find the litter we usually buy at the local store here (everything is local or only have a few branches no chains. There is a target a few miles each direction but not in berkeley.) So we figured we try a new kind... BAD IDEA apparently cats can get attached to litter.. and sense scratch! had used the same kind her whole life.. caaa-bam.. not only that it was just AWFUL stuff.. didn't clump right and they didn't burry it after awhile. Oh and the smell.. the smell was just horrid. So we put backing soda in it to soak the smell up.. and that's when I guess scratch decide no more litter box.. So saturday morning I think it was.. the day after I put the backing soda in we woke up and found Pee... on the... COUCH. ugh it's awful.. the worst part about it is that this couch doesn't have removable cushions.. so we have been trying to get the smell out all weekend.. still not a COMPLETE success.. it's closer... but there seems to be a stench in the back.

Then on Sunday night scratch! peed on our blankets/bed mostly blankets so thank heavens for that! washing the smell out is soooo much easier! and it didn't get on the bed as much! but the stuff we are using got the smell right out of it! it's called Anti-Icky-Poo such a great name.. so that's also been most of our weekend.. YUCKY... if you know me i'm an extreme neat freak.. so my natural instinct is to TOSS this couch out.. it's so gross...



Two..

 PLEASE why did NONE ever mention.. when apartment hunting make sure it has carpet.. I don't know maybe it should just be instinct or what not.. but keeping up all wooden floors is a hassle! I'll figure it out eventually. They look wonderful and really nice but having pets.. equals... Dust/cat litter/cat hair/normal stuff.... and the convenience of carpet just garbing all that stuff is wonderful.. because then you can just use a VACUUM... oh man do I wish... but nope sweeping and mopping the whole apartment.. weeehee I wont make that mistake again. Part of it too is that this is a studio so this may just be something I have to deal with.. and you know what for cheaper rent... I can do it.


Three...

Thank you Berkeley for having pretty great weather. At first I was like.. BRRRR this is so cold why would anyone want to live here.. but that was coming from Utah where it was 97 almost every day at the time. I was also really enjoying the heat and going to 7 peaks and just spending time outside...... which I will miss and will maybe have to make summer trips to utah or other hot places because of this. But honestly it's super nice not to have to use air conditioning! and WAY CHEAP! so lets be thankful. you can just pop those windows open and there you have it a nice pleasant breeze.


also this is the song I just loove right now. I don't care how childish or how much you hate it. I love it. I know every word.

So those were just some of my day to day thoughts. mostly todays.. sense I've been cleaning and such. I"m going to go ride my bike and get a drink. have a nice day everyone!


xxoo

Mrs. Edgerton

Long Term Memory loss Questions.

My Sister-in-law asked me a few questions and I responded to her via Facebook message at first but I think now i'll post what I wrote to her here.


again tori thank you for the comment. questions are greatly appreciated if anything wasn't understood or even if you just feel like you couldn't "relate" just ask i'm more then willing to share.

So does this mean you don't remember any of your past?

yes sadly it does. I have select memories... but the more I try to think about it the more I realize that those memories I do have are ones that usually come up in meaning full conversations with people.. I'll give you an example.

one memory I have is dancing around a computer chair while playing PetZ with a friend and hoping that our puppies would have babies... this apparently was something we did on a daily bases.. I only have one memory of it.. and it's a memory me and my friend have talked about on countless occasions and giggle about.. however I have no idea when it happened.. how old i was.. or any real details.. what I remember.. is what I've been given back to me through the those conversations with my friend. What she has recalled and told me.

sometimes when I see a photo I'll have an attachment to it.. love, fear, sadness, sometimes even a smell that I can't describe.. but I wont remember why... and this happens very often.. in photos that i've taken in the past year even just one year ago... I wont know where it was.. or when it was.. or what I did around that time.. I'll just look at it and feel something..

HOwever, sometimes someone will bring up a time. Usually my sister and recall something of a certain time in my life.. and it will ping something. This usually only happens to sad memories though.. like things that really really affected me and that I most likely have thought about again and again. However, when my sister recalls it she remembers so much more then I do. I remember one moment that personally struck me. but nothing else.. not what caused that moment nothing just that moment.

does it mean it takes a lot more work to make a memory?

In a sense Yes.. but I can never fully make a memory. My short term memory has been over compensating for my long term memory is what they say. Which means that it works a lot better then normal peoples short term memory and behaves similar to long term memory but can never fully grasps the same as if I had a long term memory. So it will hold as much as it can but in the long run.. things get lost really easy unless I really think about them a lot and on a daily bases. that being said an example would be.

school work Vs. relationships. I lose learning things a lot more then Relationship information because to me relationships are so very important and... if you forget something serious about a person one day they tend to get pretty upset and hurt... and I learned that at a young age so I made it a priority.. and school work unless i'm doing it every day .. i lose it. it's gone out of my memory.. forever. so taking a math test to get back into school I would have literally had to relearn everything because in my brain I never learned it... unlike the things that everyone used for every math class ever and use in a every day basis. if that makes sense?

How does it affect your daily life?

I think I kind of answered this.. but to go into a little more of it.. It's not to bad every day... I have to do things.. I enjoy doing them and I hope to find more things that help.. but I try really hard to continue to read. I couldn't stress how much that helps.. I really focused on that this time around after the lortab time table.. I started picking up a book imidiately after the other and just have read nearly every day. It really helps work my brain to remember.. because you have to remember the stories as you read or you might misss something.

it was really hard at first... i'd have to go back and check things a lot... and even now the books I read the first months after stopping the intake of lortab.. I would like to read again because I've nearly forgotten all of it... which is hard. I can only recall the ending and how I responded to it.. and that's a book a read only three months ago..

but now I can recall a lot more in my daily life. and it's been really amazing.. that's actually why I started writing that post.. originally i just wanted it to be about how having my memory back has given me more confidence this last week then I've had in a whole year.. and how amazing it is to remember something clayton told me yesterday.. something that I personally seeked out and asked him.. before I'd ask him something.. and it's something I really wanted the answer to.. but minutes later i'd forget what he told me. that was really hard... and until this week I didn't notice how much lortab affected me personally because of my disability..

                                                                                 ***

I really enjoyed answering these questions it helps to explain things when people ask. If something didn't make sense to someone here please please please comment and ask. The whole point to that last post was to help the people close to me learn who I am and why I do the things I do.. to me my learning disability is almost 90% of why I do things... and I feel that to grow as a person I want people to know it about me.. and really know me.

Why I don't have an "addictive" personality!

So can I tell you how GREAT this month has been.

It's been about 3 months or a little more sense my doctor refused to give me anymore lortab because he didn't want to create an "addict." First. I was sad because I to this day still have pain that over the counter drugs just don't do the trick sometimes. Second. People were like "why didn't you just tell him you only take it twice a week already." well the answer that is because I trusted my doctor and I don't feel comfortable fighting for pills.

I clearly was never an addict. I did learn how to enjoy them when I Had to use them.  I wont deny that. I for realz understand why people get addicted. I however have my reasons for HATING them.

Kay so if you are family you already know about this... at least I think you do.. I didn't really tell ANYONE until I graduated high school because I was ashamed of it..

I have a Very Major learning disability and.. VERY rare learning disability. I do not have my Long Term Memory. That's right. For those who don't know how the brain works... here is my very very very basic knowledge of how the memory sections work.

1. You think something "BAM IDEA"
2. this Idea travels into your Short term memory sticks around for a while.. but then "bam" "bam" "bam" "bam" you just thought four more Ideas...
3. Those ideas fill up the Short Term Memory so the first idea you had moves...
4. To the LOOOOONG term memory and NEVER moves again..


So that's just a jest of how it works.. Now think about what I said... NO.. that's right.. NONE. NOTTA. NOTHING. I have no long term memory.. that may lead you to say "but kristy.... how is that possible you are so beautiful and gorgeous and of course BRILLIANT. There is no way you don't remember things"... okay maybe not exactly like that but still ;). I actually am smart.. you are right I have to tell myself that if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to do what my brain actually does..

So sense I have no cool little storage compartment that just LOVES holding all my wonderful memories.. I looked at my Short Term memory and was like "Kay buddy you and me... we have some talking to do.. you have to work really hard kay? do you understand? you need to hold as much as possible... and that means being really awesome."

At least if I could talk to my brain that's what I'd say. So when I as in i think... 2nd grade maybe 3rd.. They started noticing it in my reading.. so they thought I had dyslexia. So I ended up getting tested and they noticed that I did really well in the areas where the showed me something say like a list of words and had me repeat it right back to them a minute later. or in other words they had parts where they gave you the information and then you got tested on it right there.. but then they gave you parts of the test of things I should have already known from my schooling already.

The test came back that on the stuff they taught me that day I did AMAZING in but on the stuff I would have to Recall from oooh lets say "long term" memory.. well I did very poor in... so there you have it they told me my problem. Unfortunately for me... this isn't common in fact in all my years of school I have yet to meet someone with the same problem.

this is going to be pretty long... sorry but I really wanted to talk about it and get it out of my system with people going back to school this week.. including my husband.

So from there on out I had special help.. Let me just tell you.. right now.. If you kid or someone you know who is young and has a learning disability please.. please please... do not send them to school in utah.. do your research and find the BEST state for them to be in depending on the case. I love my parents I do but I really wish they would have done this for me.. They got lucky and I'm a hard worker... but it wasn't enough.

So I made it through grade school.. I can't recall a lot of my problems from then or what it was like having a learning disability and I"m so sorry for that.. But I can still partially remember high school and college. So Like I sad i'm a hard worker.. it's a blessing and a curse.. being someone who has a learning disability and wanting to get A+++++'s well... it's impossible.. I strongly believe if I hadn't had this I would have had 4.0's or higher and would have gone to some amazing college for some really hard degree.. but who knows maybe without it I wouldn't be so motivated to beat it.

Which is exactly what I am... I always looked at it and said.. this is my little "secret" I'm not going to let anyone know about it.. and for the most part.. other then my teachers and obviously the people who work with disabilities.. People never would guess that I ever had any problems.. When we moved to PA in 8th grade I was STUNNED by the stuff they could do to help us. The one thing I ever used though was them having the teachers take away the "trickiness" of tests. You know what I mean right? how the teacher tries to make you THINK really hard about something super simple... because they want to make sure you know it.. well that makes me Fail... makes me sweat... makes me stress.. and a lot of the time.. makes me break down into tears. But no in Pennsylvania they took it away. They made it possible for me to be the student I wanted to be. It was amazing and helped me so much.

Why did that help me? well because think about it.. for most normal brained people including my extremely smart siblings.. When they hear something in class even if they are reading something or looking at someone else or just not paying attention they'll remember it... just by HEARING it... I will envy this for my whole life... do you want to know what I have to do to remember that information? just to MAYBE not even a garantee that I'll remember it.. I have to Hear it, Look at it on the board, Write it, Look at it again, Re-Write it... and then STUDY MY BUTT OFF... that's right I'd take my notes home and RE-Write them every night... and even after all of that.. I may have missed something.. if they didn't put it on the board.. if I just by chance was writing down the thing they said before and missed a VITAL piece of information.. well.. My brain doesn't catch it... so that never gets stored...

so having them dumb down the test helped me a lot... because if I know the information i know it... if I read a question and I say.. WTF... then I don't know it.. that's as simple as it is for me... the unfortunate thing though.. and the thing that gets me to this day.. is I lose the information so fast... I work so hard... so very very hard to just have it to pass tests... and I lose it so easy... i'm crying writing this. I hope you appreciate this post.. because it's the hardest subject of my life.. Then we moved back to utah.. and well they couldn't do any of the stuff they did for me in Pennsylvania.. luckily though I learned a lot and they helped me so much that...

In 11th grade I took my yearly disability test they gave me test every year to assest how I was doing.. and in 11th grade I finally ... Passed as "average" on everything... that's right me.. the girl who does all that stuff to remember things... I FINALLY got average... and they said to me "do you still want our help" I clearly being so proud said "no i think i'll try to graduate on my own."

and guess what I did it! It's amazing really.. I got a scholarship to BYU-I for it and everything....

And then my dreams were crushed the first semester of college... right? college is hard? of course.... but I was still the kristy that... had a "secret" that got through High school and even with NO help in 12th grade! I was really really really happy about it and thought maybe I'd beaten it.. No.. it was even harder.. texts books had soo many new words... the work load was trippled... and for me .. that mean like x5... I was depressed... I spent nearly every hour in my room studying.. the scholarship I had... I had to have 14 credits to keep.. 14.. I got it for a disability? REALLY PEOPLE....

I remember having a class that took me 2 hours to read 20 pages... I had to read and re read and re read and re read.. and then the next day I still couldn't understand or remember the information.. Then my family started falling apart... so I decided to go home and not finish the year. My heart was broken I was defeated.. and my family was cracking between my fingers. I don't know how  I made it through the two years after that.

Then when I started dating clayton I decided... maybe I was just depressed maybe just maybe I can do better now.. I also gave up my secret. I said to myself "Kristy you can't do this alone anymore go talk to them they can help you." So I got into UVU and took the tests I needed to see what level I was on in things... I was on elementary school math.. I was about 7 classes below the algebra... it broke me... so I wen to the disability center.. determined to beat this thing again and have a life... I filled out this HUGE packet.. that asked questions that I wished people had asked me.. I was soo hopeful..

When I sat down in that room the lady looked over the packet and goes "Hmmm... so you have long term memory loss? that's interesting.. what is that like?."... right there... she had never even met someone with my disability.. I knew there was no hope for getting help.. it just got worse.. they told me sense I hadn't had an IUD test sense 11th grade I needed to get a new one to get help... which my only options were to get on BYU's LIST and then wait.. most likely two years to even get tested... or pay a ton of money to go to someone to get tested... so I asked her how they could help... the only help they had was having "extended time on tests" and "test read out loud to you."... I cried I called my dad told him I couldn't do it... Some how he talked me into staying in school.. and seeing how I did..

So I did it.. and not to my surprise... I got depressed.. and stressed... Granted I did get better grade... but I again had to sacrifice every spare minute I had...

I dropped out yet again.

My heart still breaks to this day... I struggle with this choice every day of my life... I think about it all the time... what I wouldn't give for my long term memory.. i'm crying again...

now that brings me back to the beginning of this post.. Why I could never be an addict... the thing I've heard the most... is when people drink, or do pills, or any kind of serious drug... they say they do it to "forget." I look at them and I say.. WHY... why would you want to forget? I wish I could remember the way you do.. I wish i could hold on to even the saddest times of my life..

After 2ish months almost three... I can finally remember everything I do in a day.... FINALLY well maybe not EVERYTHING.. but I mean to function.. I can remember what claytons classes are.. granted I still have to ask him a dozen times what they are but I can remember it again...

Being on lortab so long.. for like pretty much a whole year... I feel like I've lost five years of my life.. I didn't even realize it until now.. but I can't remember very much at all... it breaks my heart... I barely remember my wedding day... I hate them I hate pain pills...

But I'm grateful. oh man am i so happy to be able to remember again. well.. remember the best that I can..

thanks for reading.. i'm sorry it's so long..

always,

Claiming Mrs Edgerton

biking biking biking!!!!

Can I just say.. BIKING.

I love it. I needed it. I've wanted it!

why might you ask? well that's easy I can't run or walk briskly and even with machines it's not the same as seeing the world.

There was a joke I made to make me feel better during surgery. If I saw someone walking/running/biking/jumping you name it. I'd say something along the lines of:

-They are just MOCKING me.
-They are just like look at ME i'm WALKING.

Of course in a sarcastic voice and usually over and over because that's my style. I think it's hilarious so I repeat it until you think it's hilarious. hahaha.

My bike :] in my small apartment! 

But now I'm mocking anyone who's handicraped.. just kidding that's mean but I am enjoying it. I'm enjoying the fact that wanking up the stairs HURTS and that walking up a TINY slat up a hill HURTS. Oh man I've wanted that hurt for so long! Now I have it and I love it so much. Not only that it's helping me get back into shape sooner then a gym would. I never realized that a bike works your whole body my arms,legs,tummy! everything gets sore! it's great.

So going with this. I biked to church. all up hill. HARD but worth it! today I did not bike despite the fact I still wanted to! but I'm sore and I slept half the day yesterday  because it wore me out so much! But like I said worth it.

Church was amazing. My dad texted me after reading my last post and asked to hear about church here. I know he's at least interested so I suppose it doesn't hurt. I don't usually brag about going to church or being LDS. But I'll just talk about the experience so far. Which.. is amazing. I've struggled a lot with being married to a so called "non-member" I'd prefer to say someone not of my faith. I know I know.. "no one would treat you different for that!" and maybe you're right. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't that fact completely but I know clayton felt it also. I know that maybe it could be my foot surgeries keeping me from being a 100% active member.  But non the less it's been hard to say the least.

Here is what the ward building looks like!

I've really doubted my faith... I love you all (my family) please do not be upset about what I'm about to say. I promise it has NOTHING to do with clayton not being a member and all to do with my trials testing me. I am not saying i'm not a member. I am. For now at least. But the first sunday I went to church I was more on the line then I am now. They have been focusing on mission work at this ward I'm not sure about everywhere but they are here. They had a handfull of people telling their testimonies. The second to last one was a girl maybe a few years older then me. she said something along the lines of this

"I love this church. It has changed my life. I've been a member all my life and never doubted it because I saw what not believing or following it did to my family members who denied it. The hard times in my life have changed who I am. I grew up believing in the church 100%. That it would bring my dreams. Once I hit my 20's that water got really mercy. It turns out not all your dreams do come true or just don't happen the way you want. That really tested me and made me really look into the church. I found things I didn't like that I didn't know before. I however believe this church is true"

That's just a jest of what I remember. What mattered to me at least.. So what I got from that.. well It's been really mercy for me. SURPRISE I'm now also in my 20's. Amazing how that happens. I think it happens to a lot of people. At least I hope so.. because growing up has been a lot harder then I thought it would be. A lot more unclear.

Me and clayton at the Oakland Temple.

But the thing I wanted to say is that Line I was on I'm not sure where I'm at but I know if I'm going to be religiosity at all it's going to be the LDS church I choose. I've been to other churches with friends in PA and it's not the same at least not for me. Please don't get the wrong Idea from this post. Please if you have doubts or questions about where I'm at come to me. Talk to me. I'm here to answer and love everyone. I Just didn't feel right writing this post without saying what I needed to. Honesty is the best policy right?

However, I'd love to share yesterday with you. First. I personally love relief society. I have NEVER once said that in my whole time going to church. But here I LOVE it. I'll get to that in a minute my dad mentioned in his text "talk about how it's different in the mission field." As most of you know I lived in the mission field before obviously my dad knows what it's like but it is different. The talks in sacrament are usually a little be more quirky. Not in a bad way in a good way. You just kind of lose that normal "Utah" way of talking about things. which is nice. seems a little more human to me. ( I am not trying to be mean here I love so many people in utah.)

I have to admit i'm not a huge fan of my sunday school class. I like to go to the basic gospel principles class which is usually smaller/new members but I prefer to learn about the principles then going into so much depth in the scriptures. but the class is really small. and usually pretty short the way they run the classes is a little different.

now relief society-- love it. Both times I've gone. I didn't go last sunday because clayton came to sacrament with me and I don't like forcing him to the other meetings. But this sunday I totally needed relief society.. it was all about feeling left out or odd in a ward. Then turned into talking about how sometimes even when people don't stretch out to you that you need to be aware of people around you and maybe invite them to go to a movie or on a shopping trip with your friends. Not to forget about them just because they aren't in your group of people. It was exactly what I needed and really touching also. Then after a girl who is older then me  talked to me and of course I was already emotional from the spirit touching me and just the act of kindness made me cry and open up to her. It was just nice. and I really appreciated it. I also appreciated someone I personally don't remember meeting coming up to me and asking if Clayton was taking a certain class in school. That to me really meant just a tremendous amount.. The fact that someone who doesn't even know me asks about my husband even though he isn't sitting next to me. It was a good day. well dad I hope this was a good post for you. and I enjoyed writing it.

I wanted to say how much I miss and love my family. Truly I will be longing for your love.
oh short thing. I applied at a small cafe me and clayton love called Northside Cafe it's a shift on MWF from 9-2pm so hoping to hear back from that! short shift every other day.. sounds like a good "test" to see how my feet hold up and I already know i'd love working with the girls who work there.. so hoping.. and I sent my resume into a Credit Union here that I'd like to work at also. So i'm not giving up and not giving in to depression. at least not all the time.

always,

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton.