I'm really not fond of this word right now. I'm supposed to be in an age of life where everything is limitless. Supposedly. I however, have a very limited situation. At least when it comes to physical work. I've been beating myself up a lot lately about not having a job or a purpose. Not only that but on a daily bases I tell myself I'm not everything I used to be. That I can't be as fulfilled in a job or as good of an employee as I used to be... On top of that... I still have no end in sight in the foot situation..
As of this week I've had a taste of walking normal. I get very tired after a short amount of that though and end up on the couch most the day. I think back to a few years ago when I was sooo active and doing so much physically. That had dwindled before my surgeries because of my feet but never to this level. What I would give for a taste of running, dancing, hopping, skipping and standing on my tip toes.
Wishful thinking. However, when that day comes I will do it a million and ten times until I'm sore, the whole time with a huge smile on my face.
I've put a lot of thought into working again. I know I know... "why don't you just get a calling center job?" simple... I hate it.. I'm sorry but as much I want to be working I want my work to be satisfying on SOME level.. Call center jobs don't satisfy me what-so-ever. Plain and simple. It'd be different if on the days I had off I could go and over exert myself in something I LOOVE like hiking,biking,dancing.. That's not the case. I"m not going to put myself in a call center a job again where I perform GREAT but never get noticed...
I'm motivated, determined hardworking, personable (most days), loyal, and willing to learn. Every time I come to this question.. "should I get a job?" I always beat myself up.. what about the days that you can barely stand up? what would you tell someone interviewing you? why would they hire me over someone a million more times capable?
Clayton is amazing when I get down like this.. and just tells me "eventually someone will see the eagerness in your face and the dedication you have." All I usually have to say to that is "I really hope so." I'm still over coming a lot of unfortunate fears I've gained over this past year. I've become timid when I used to be flowing with energy around people. I doubt what I have to say when I used to say whatever I felt like in a situation.
I haven't gotten to a point where I feel like I deserve a job. I have been able to get to a point where I feel like I want it bad enough to go for it. The goal I have at this moment is:
Once i feel like I can ride my bike without fear of breaking the heal bone then I'll start applying.
By applying I mean for ANYTHING around here. There are tons of local businesses and I'm hoping to find just something SMALL a phew shifts a week and small hours. I want something I'll enjoy. We aren't stressed for money right now which I'm very lucky to be in this situation now. We'd like a little money to start saving for christmas and stuff but as of living cost we are okay. I want to be able to test my limits and just get out there to see how "capable" I really am. Instead of just going off my own thoughts...
That's the goal I have right now..... it's small. but it's something. Please any suggestions or ideas are appreciated. I've come a long way emotionally from where I was a five or 6 months ago. I'm still working every single day on being a brighter happier me.
Okay I'll be honest I knew how much I loved my cats.. however, I never really realized how much my heart would ache if I lost one of them... and now I know.
So It all started on Sunday September 30th..
We had NO idea what Turn of events were coming our way that morning. My family was in town and we weren't on our A-Game. I had opened the window at some point on Saturday because doing my hair can get pretty HOT and sweating from humidity. Our two back windows don't have screens on them so we've been trying to be really careful about leaving them open.. For whatever reasons this didn't get closed and we think when Clayton went to the bathroom at 6 A.M. is when she got out...
We woke up in a panic and everyone went straight outside looking for her.. taking the food bag out and shaking it... That first day we had no luck.. we made a few flyers up and put them around near by.. but like I said my family was in town and eventually we gave up the search so that they could still do some things on their trip... Now that I look back I wish I would have just let them go alone and I stay behind and continue to search for her. I'm pretty sure Clayton walked around that night but had no luck....
Monday-Thursday
My family left. We printed off 200 flyers and plastered them around the town.. we searched morning and night that day... keep in mind I had surgery not long before and wasn't in very good shape to help at all.. I still did help WAY more then I should have.. I'm not good at sitting around.. and when my CAT is lost ... forget it!
We posted on craigslist and got some really good advice about putting used socks/litter outside so if they walk near they will catch the scent and know that it's home... we also found online that peeing in a spray bottle and feeling it the rest of the way with water then spraying it around the house and every six feet around the neighborhood can help... it was about Thursday when we did that last one... we were desperate...
All Thursday I personally spent the whole day crying and accepting that she probably wasn't coming home.. This is the day that Clayton is gone from 8 A.M. - 10 P.M. and I just spent the whole day alone accepting she was gone.
Friday
We got an email from our neighbor who said their cat sitter had heard from someone across the street who thought they fed her on Monday night, but that was the only time he had seen her... We were pretty shocked and excited to just hear that someone may have seen her! I ran back home and instantly grabbed the spray bottle and went out on the hunt... I spent almost 3 hours walking around the other side of the major street we live on... INSANE amount of walking for me.. of course I took medicine before I went out.. I was determined .. I had just spent the whole day before accepting she would never come home. I had no luck.. but I did talk to two other people who said they saw her all in a three block area... HOPE so much HOPE.... Yet my screaming did me NO good. That night our next door neighbors helped us Look for her.. We looked everywhere and continued to call for her... I almost lost my voice among other signs of exhaustion.. Because of all the sightings we really thought she had just crossed that street and maybe she was THAT close!...
Saturday
We had one last sighting.. a guy called said they had a cat in their house begging for food.. but they didn't know it may have been lost, so the let it go back outside. He said he didn't think it looked like our cat but that his girlfriend swore it was her.. So I texted him a few more photos that better showed her and he said "No, It is definitely not your cat..." Our hearts sank.. Thinking that there is probably a Calico long haired cat roaming that side of the neighborhood and that Scratch! most likely wasn't close at all...
This was Claytons day to morn her and accept the possibility of her never coming home.. So heart breaking all over again for me... We sat around saying all the things we were going to miss about her.. then crying right afterwards.. That night I said to Clayton "Here I'll do something to help us move forward." I walked to the kitchen window.. where she would most likely try to get back in.. and where we had also had the blinds up all week hoping to see her standing on the railing outside that window... I slowly lowered the blinds.. Showing that we were done with the search for her....
We balled for a good 15 minutes after that..
If you cant tell we had been crying.. Oooh Burgers.. Comfort food.
Sunday
We were both completely worn out.. Clayton hadn't gotten ANYTHING done for school.. and along with that we were so sad.. It was better then the day before but still hadn't worn off.. I looked through my phone photos and saw that I had photos from the day before she jumped out the window... and it made us start crying all over again..
We have been so busy and with me being out because of surgery unable to drive not a whole lot had gotten done other then searching for scratch. Not only that Claytons phone decided to crap out on us the day before and he could only get on to see if he had a voicemail. So because we were extremely low on food.. and I mean... so low that I was pretty much starving Thursday and Friday until clayton got home from school and could drive us somewhere. We decide we just needed to make a HUGE Grocery shopping trip.
After that he saw that there was a voicemail on his phone from an hour before.. Saying that they had Scratch!. Oh my goodness OH MY GOODNESS!?? They said that she had her collar and they called the number on it!!! THEY HAD HER! Not that they had just SEEN her, but that they physically had her there waiting for us!! We were out the door sooo fast..
She was 1.5 Miles away from our house in a online Old Anime store warehouse ( here is there sight )!! so odd but so awesome! They think she was there for a couple days before she started meowing because there were paw prints on the sink (so scratch! This also means that if she had continued to travel she would be EVEN farther!). We are forever grateful for these great cat lovers who were willing to feed her and even wipe her down because she was soo dirty! Dang she was so dirty!!
She was really hungry.. she most likely hadn't been spotted at all around our house... She lost a lot of weight and is very weak.. But boy are we glad to have her home!! as soon as we go into the house she drank water and then started sniffing EVERYTHING and meowing with approval! seconds later she was back to her old self.. She is still having nightmares but she's happy to be home!!!
This is LOOONG over due but still I want to write it.
Some people are probably wondering what made me come out of my box and talk about my learning disability? Well in all honesty I'm not sure I ever would have if it wasn't for my Baby niece on Claytons side, Alexandra.
I guess it's been 2 months already sense my niece ended up in the hospital. She was having seizures and her brain was swelling. They still aren't sure of the cause but she thankfully recovered. She's now doing physical therapy on a regular bases along with other treatments to help her get back on track in the growing process. It was a frightening time for everyone involved and I hope we never have to experience such fear again.
However, even though she is recovering and doing great there is still a fear of brain damage from the swelling. It's possible because she was so young that her brain will just rewire itself and she will not have any problems but it is also possible that once she gets older she'll show signs of a disability...
So this brings us to why I started talking about my disability... Well I actually had a similar experience as a child.. I was much much younger then her though.. Only 6 weeks old.. I had Spinal Meningitis and should have died... However, I did not. YIPPEE but unfortunately they told my parents the exact same things as Aly's that I may have brain damage but back then I don't believe they used to do MRI's and stuff (still waiting to get information from my parents journals.) This is very possibly the cause of my Learning disability I also had head trauma from a car accident when I was 4 years old. I flew out the window of our rolling van and landed on the freeway (luckily it was 2 am) and also should have died.. Clearly God wants me here for a reason.. Hopefully I realize what the reason is one day..
I know so much about having a disability that I wanted so badly to be able to tell Clayton's brother and our sister in law that I could help... I kept trying briefly in comments on their facebook and blog but it didn't seem to get the right effect... So alas here I am writing it on my blog to everyone I know and to the whole world... It's scary to be so open on here but at the same time is refreshing.. Not only that but I think I have helped them in the only way I know how to.. We are to far away to help in any major way but I really care for them and my baby niece who's almost a year now! I'm so grateful that she survived and if one day she shows signs of a disability She'll have an aunt who knows that journey and hopefully I'll be able to help her. It's a rough thing but it's made me who I am.
I'm not done with my post about learning disabilities. This is only the beginning. All my foot surgery stuff has gotten in the way but I wanted to remind you all that this is still a series I'm writing about and this is why i'm doing it.
So on Sunday I was really down. I ended up having this EXACT conversation with Clayton. This one is about cancer and I get that it is worse but in a way it's the same.
Then after I saw this I was like.. "man these shows are just hitting my emotions right on the dot." And clayton responded "That's because you watch a lot of shows. You're odds are high." haha so true.
I'm really not sure at this point what my real feelings are. I'll be honest sometimes when people try to in courage me I get upset.. but then again it's because their hope makes me hopeful.. and I feel like I'm just betting on getting let down.
Ask my dad.. kay this is my core self right here.. When my parents were in the process of deciding about getting divorced my dad used to try and ask me things. One time he just asked "Kristy, isn't it okay just to hope that it will be okay that we will stay together?" and my response was "No dad. There is no hope here. It is how it is and it's not going to change by hoping." this isn't the only time I've told him and to this day he will tease me about being the "hope police." It's true I see things at face value. I saw that my parents marriage was over and no I wasn't a child at this time and just making a dumb choice. My parents marriage was over and that's that. My dad had been grasping to stings that were finally cut that year.
This is me. Kristy. I see my foot situation. I do hope. I hope a lot for the tiniest things. I hoped every time that my wound would be healing every week I got let down. Every week I cried when they said "lets just keep it on for another such and such time." I'm not saying I don't hope. But sometimes I feel that it is wishful thinking. I wont lie.
these things are unpredictable. That's just the honest to God truth about it. You can't just say "after this surgery is over I'm DONE." I made that mistake in this post: Click Here. If you read that you see where I say "Anyway I'm just ready for it to be done... We are both REALLY excited for it to be over finally. After this I'll feel like I can really get my life back. or have a better idea of where to go and look forward." But obviously I had a gut feeling that something wasn't going to be so right... and guess what.. It sure wasn't. I'm about 7 months sense that post and I still have no idea where my life is going. I'm completely lost.
I'll be fine "one day" yes I know that. One day even if I'm never normal I'll create a new normal. One day I'll be more content and settled in my situation and my surroundings. One day I wont care how I look on the outside and hope that what's on the inside is more beautiful then anything can ever be. One day I hope to have children who will call me Momma or some crazy nick names or Hate me. One day I hope to grow old with Clayton. So forth and so on. life is this way. Life will always be this way.
For now I don't feel like it's over. I haven't reached a happy place.. truly happy for a long time. I think it may be a long time before I can nip this feeling in the butt.. I know one day I will. I know one day every little thing is going to be alright. I know that. But right now... It's not. I'm not.. and that's the truth.
I really really really so deeply want this to all be over. However, It isn't. I'm still fighting this battle.. I haven't hit a normal yet. I am not ready to accept I suppose. Or I just don't know what the path is I'm on. I'm blinded. So keep things in mind when we speak. I love you all so much and I don't mean to be a downer. Lets talk about you when we talk. Lets talk about anything. Right now I don't want to Update the foot blog because I'm not really ready to talk about it. It's not terrible news but it's not the best either.
I do my best to stay positive every day. If you know me you know this is true. I try to find joy in everything. However, sometimes the feelings of the heart win over the power of the brain. I strive to make every day worth living. I will always and forever continue to do that. I've never not once in my life.. not at my lowest of lows have wanted to leave this life. I will always appreciate what I have that is good. I promise you this. Please do not think that by reading this post that I'm just creating this for myself and that if I just tried to be happy I could be. Because I do try. And some days I win and some days.. I just don't. But who wins all the time. Lets be honest.
Oh the journey of life my friends. These surgeries have aged me.. I can tell you that much.
Every year the LDS Ward has a "welcoming new members" Dinner. Where all the members that either moved into the ward or were baptized in the last year make a poster to introduce themselves. Well I thought I would share my poster on here because I also made a Comic of how me and clayton firs met! It's fun and the activity was tonight and was very enjoyable. They had a Potluck where only Men in the ward make food and then the members vote on who's dishes were the best. There was also a play that was done from 1939! It was really enjoyable! I met some new people and Because of my "art work" I learned that there is a group that get together once a month to do art! which is AWESOME. I will be attending :]. People seemed to really like our poster.. which was really nice! Not going to lie made me feel good inside!
So there is the whole thing. now here is the comic:
Then Clayton's Section:
My Section:
Then Our SHARED LIKES:
I love the cats part of course ;). Well I thought i'd share with everyone.. I thought it was nice! I really enjoyed doing it and having something to do.. hahaha i know I wasn't exactly obligated.. but it was nice to have a task for a change... that wasn't just something around the house... haha. man I miss having a job :/. That's for another day and another post.
Learning who we are.
Learning who others are.
Trying to balance our emotions.
Trying to be True to ourselves.
Living and Learning.
That's all. I feel like all of us are tearing through the seams of life lately.. At least those who I interact with. At this age (22 Yr Old) life has changed. People have changed. This stage seems to be so much different... I also thing it lasts a lot longer then anyone wants. Man this battle of we call life. RIGHT? yes.. well this may just be me. Please correct me if you don't fill this way.
I recently realized why things seem so much different then my younger years. I make so many of my own choices now. The world is my Canvas to paint and design. What an amazing thing...... Or I suppose it's supposed to be. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I like it some days but other days I'd love to go back to my teenage years and have my parents force me to do "Family" things instead of going with my friends. Time was so much different. I had a better grasps of my future.. or so I thought. Everyone eggs you on. YOU can be the world. If you DREAM it then it will BE. For now that's not the case. I feel like I've lost my dreams. What are they? What would I like to do with my life and my talents? I honestly do not know... I'm not always sure what my talents are. This isn't new I never have really been able to pin point something as a talent with me... People say I have them so I'll trust that for now.
well why I'm ranting on about this is because of my Stake Conference today at Church. Please if you have some bad feelings towards LDS religion then please don't stop reading here because I mentioned "Church." Hear me out.
I personally am Battling my feelings/beliefs.. Today a woman spoke who recently joined the church 6 months ago. I Listened to her talk and Envied her curiosity.. I wish I had a blank slate for the LDS Church sometimes I wish I could say... I do not know anything about this religion TEACH ME. Unfortunately or Fortunately I was born into a family that was LDS. I'm not able to hear the stories from an Adult perspective and be like "Yes That silly plan you have for death and the after life that is amazing I've never heard that before! that's true." I however am really trying to step back from myself.. and from what I've "grown up" thinking. I'm trying to look at it from a curious perspective.
As I said two weeks ago in my Post about the ward here and such.. If I Mrs. Edgerton am personally going to be religious. I'm going to be LDS. No if's ands or BUTS about that. I'm not leaning either way right now. I'm honestly evaluating my life and doing what I can to make a true and honest choice. I want to know Full heatedly that no matter what I would choose the LDS church. I need to know that.
On to why I'm writing this. Today the first two talks not including the one I already mentioned were just really great... If I had to explain them as a "whole" I'd say it was almost like I was having a conversation with a close friend and just learning more about them. I've never had that feeling before in such a large meeting... It honestly felt so personal and that they really wanted to get their point across. Keep in mind I still am struggling to remember things... My brain hasn't fully got back to where it was before all the Medication i was on. I tried to take notes but I would have missed to much at that moment in time if I took them in to much of depth So i'm just going to try and explain as best as I can but mostly just Give my personal thoughts.
The first talk was a man who started off saying "if you have ever asked the question is my testimony true? or do I even have a testimony?" Woah just getting right into it aren't we? Well It caught my attention because I obviously have been asking that a lot.
He went on to talk about how LDS Religion teaches us to be "true" as individuals and as a whole. He mentioned things (with doctrine to back it up i'm sorry I couldn't catch where it was from) God believes that there is truth in all religion and faiths. So that's the GIST i'm so sorry... I wish I could convey it better.. but my memory just couldn't hold it all.. however i'll give you what I was thinking and my feelings.
My feelings/Thoughts On his talk:
Aren't we all trying to be TRUE? True to ourselves True to others. I know I am... It really hit my core to think about these things. We all want True friends. True bosses. True lives in general. I know I do I know I want to be able to trust people and to be trusted. That's all I ever wanted. I could care less what they believe in what they ate fro breakfast what shoes they wore today.. Just to know you can have a True relationship with someone. That's what matters to me. How you get there.. How you become that person who can be True and Honest and Humble.. That's your choice. I may choose the LDS church. You may Choose Wave Lengths and Happy thoughts. Fine with me. I also ask for respect though.. I give respect and I am willing to talk about why I do or believe certain things. But I do not want to be attacked for feel like I need to "prove" something to someone who clearly doesn't believe what I do. Why should I need to defend myself for My opinions. If I can be True, Loyal, Fun, Loving, Caring, A friend then why does that matter?
The second talk was given by a woman who's husband died last month at scout camp.. Wow Brave... to get up and talk about something that happened so recently and that is such a hard thing to go through. It was so amazing.. I hope I can give it justice. She wasn't old. She has young children. But it was amazing.
I would not even begin to give this justice without having the talk in front of me. The important part about it though was Meekness.
Meekness - Godfearing, Righteous, humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.
My feelings/Thoughts on her talk:
Lets think about that for a minute.. The one that stuck out to me the most was "teachable." All the others I've heard a million and 10 times. but Teachable... now that was something new to think about.. being Meek is to be teachable. huh... well I know there are situations where I really struggle with this..
You can learn so much from people though... what they believe or what you believe should not keep you away from having these experiences in life... Or causing problems in relationships that you want to keep. In a family setting especially. Lets learn to be Meek in every situation. Lets be Teachable. This woman said she had a moment where she felt Guilty because she felt Joy or Happiness on a certain day.. That maybe she didn't love her Husband enough and wasn't morning enough. Then she went on to say that, that wasn't the case. That with Meekness she is able to move forward and I think in a sense be "teachable" she is still able to see the joy in life and the beauty all around her. Even with such a loss.
Lets learn to be more teachable.. I want to at least... Who is with me?
I feel like I"m doing a pretty good job a sole human being. I know I have a lot to work on.. but I'm trying really hard to be True to myself.. and to be Teachable. I have so much I want to learn. I hope I can continue to keep these talks in my mind. I wanted to share how I felt and how I generally feel about "life" and growing with people. I hope you enjoyed
