When He said I love you.

I'm pretty private about my relationships, so I honestly have no idea who has heard the story of when Clayton said "I love you" for the first time. I wish I was better at writing in my journal so I had more of the specified time and date but I don't. I want to say it was probably around 2 or 3 months after we started dating officially.

It's pretty short and simple. It's incredibly adorable in my eyes though.

So pretty much we were just taking a little nap one day or at least I was! Then I get rudely woken up with a good shake and "Are you asleep?!!" and at that point I no longer was then Clayton says nervously "I just couldn't wait I love you."

I of course out of sleep talk said it back. I'm extremely honest when I'm tired so I'm sure that's why he waited till i was asleep.

That's it. but I love it. I love him. He is great and just remembering that moment makes me love him more.

Today is going to be a good day.

If You Want It Have It.

I'm done with it.

All I have to ask is before you say "I wish I had foot surgery so I could have a vacation" please.. Please.. and PLEASE... Think about what it is actually like..

First..
Whats a vacation?

An extended period of recreation, esp. one spent away from home or in traveling.


 Lets take that one step further..

Recreation:

Activity done for enjoyment when one is not working.

I read those and I cried.. I hate to sound bitter or mad or like life has done me a wrong. But today.. today I decided I'm taking a day to feel bad for myself.

I don't know about you but what i'm going through sure as hell isn't a vacation.. reasons?

1. I am not spending any time away from my home.
2. I'm not enjoying this..

other things?

1. I can't clean my house.
2. I can't shop.
3.I can barely stand up for 10 min.
4.I can't walk around the block or to the park.
5.I sit on my couch for almost every hour of the day.
6. I go to the doctors nearly once or twice a week sometime 3 times.
7. I get prodded and poked at 5 or 6 times a week.
8. I can't ride a bike.
9. I've watched every TV show I possibly can find. don't believe me? ask? hah...
10. I can't even read books for the most part because lortab makes me forget the page before..
11. Worst of all.. No one knows why i'm not healing.

I could go on trust me. So if by any chance you think that saying you WISH you had this.. please.. think again.. I'm going on 3 months of barely being able to walk.. Today even I reverted back to crutches.. Tell me if you want that? because I'd trade for your job, your broken car, having to ride the bus or bike every day.. even walking to every location I needed to go... I'd take it all. so let me know I'm here for the trading.. but I promise it's no vacation or walk in the park.. I'm sorry if this is harsh or mean.. but I'm tired.. and I'm hurting... and it's hard to get bad news on a weekly or daily basis.. and I wish my friends.. would remember that.. I understand your lives are busy.. But please don't forget me..

I'll act like i'm fine.. and for the most part everyone around me believes it.. but i'm broken inside and out.. don't make me beg to have company.. I'm lonely.. and scared.. so scared...