Really... True.

So on Sunday I was really down. I ended up having this EXACT conversation with Clayton. This one is about cancer and I get that it is worse but in a way it's the same.

Then after I saw this I was like.. "man these shows are just hitting my emotions right on the dot." And clayton responded "That's because you watch a lot of shows. You're odds are high." haha so true.

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

Hmm. How do I feel about surgery?

I'm really not sure at this point what my real feelings are. I'll be honest sometimes when people try to in courage me I get upset.. but then again it's because their hope makes me hopeful.. and I feel like I'm just betting on getting let down.

Ask my dad.. kay this is my core self right here.. When my parents were in the process of deciding about getting divorced my dad used to try and ask me things. One time he just asked "Kristy, isn't it okay just to hope that it will be okay that we will stay together?" and my response was "No dad. There is no hope here. It is how it is and it's not going to change by hoping." this isn't the only time I've told him and to this day he will tease me about being the "hope police." It's true I see things at face value. I saw that my parents marriage was over and no I wasn't a child at this time and just making a dumb choice. My parents marriage was over and that's that. My dad had been grasping to stings that were finally cut that year.

This is me. Kristy. I see my foot situation. I do hope. I hope a lot for the tiniest things. I hoped every time that my wound would be healing every week I got let down. Every week I cried when they said "lets just keep it on for another such and such time." I'm not saying I don't hope. But sometimes I feel that it is wishful thinking. I wont lie.

these things are unpredictable. That's just the honest to God truth about it. You can't just say "after this surgery is over I'm DONE." I made that mistake in this post: Click Here. If you read that you see where I say "Anyway I'm just ready for it to be done... We are both REALLY excited for it to be over finally. After this I'll feel like I can really get my life back. or have a better idea of where to go and look forward." But obviously I had a gut feeling that something wasn't going to be so right... and guess what.. It sure wasn't. I'm about 7 months sense that post and I still have no idea where my life is going. I'm completely lost.

I'll be fine "one day" yes I know that. One day even if I'm never normal I'll create a new normal. One day I'll be more content and settled in my situation and my surroundings. One day I wont care how I look on the outside and hope that what's on the inside is more beautiful then anything can ever be. One day I hope to have children who will call me Momma or some crazy nick names or Hate me. One day I hope to grow old with Clayton. So forth and so on. life is this way. Life will always be this way.

For now I don't feel like it's over. I haven't reached a happy place.. truly happy for a long time. I think it may be a long time before I can nip this feeling in the butt.. I know one day I will. I know one day every little thing is going to be alright. I know that. But right now... It's not. I'm not.. and that's the truth.

I really really really so deeply want this to all be over. However, It isn't. I'm still fighting this battle.. I haven't hit a normal yet. I am not ready to accept I suppose. Or I just don't know what the path is I'm on. I'm blinded. So keep things in mind when we speak. I love you all so much and I don't mean to be a downer. Lets talk about you when we talk. Lets talk about anything. Right now I don't want to Update the foot blog because I'm not really ready to talk about it. It's not terrible news but it's not the best either.

I do my best to stay positive every day. If you know me you know this is true. I try to find joy in everything. However, sometimes the feelings of the heart win over the power of the brain. I strive to make every day worth living. I will always and forever continue to do that. I've never not once in my life.. not at my lowest of lows have wanted to leave this life. I will always appreciate what I have that is good. I promise you this. Please do not think that by reading this post that I'm just creating this for myself and that if I just tried to be happy I could be. Because I do try. And some days I win and some days.. I just don't. But who wins all the time. Lets be honest.

Oh the journey of life my friends. These surgeries have aged me.. I can tell you that much.

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

How We Met

Every year the LDS Ward has a "welcoming new members" Dinner. Where all the members that either moved into the ward or were baptized in the last year make a poster to introduce themselves. Well I thought I would share my poster on here because I also made a Comic of how me and clayton firs met! It's fun and the activity was tonight and was very enjoyable. They had a Potluck where only Men in the ward make food and then the members vote on who's dishes were the best. There was also a play that was done from 1939! It was really enjoyable! I met some new people and Because of my "art work" I learned that there is a group that get together once a month to do art! which is AWESOME. I will be attending :]. People seemed to really like our poster.. which was really  nice! Not going to lie made me feel good inside!

So there is the whole thing. now here is the comic:

Then Clayton's Section:

My Section:

Then Our SHARED LIKES:

I love the cats part of course ;). Well I thought i'd share with everyone.. I thought it was nice! I really enjoyed doing it and having something to do.. hahaha i know I wasn't exactly obligated.. but it was nice to have  a task for a change... that wasn't just something around the house... haha. man I miss having a job :/. That's for another day and another post. 

Always,

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

Oh the Journey of Life.

Aren't we all fighting a battle?

Learning who we are.
Learning who others are.
Trying to balance our emotions.
Trying to be True to ourselves.
Living and Learning.

That's all. I feel like all of us are tearing through the seams of life lately.. At least those who I interact with. At this age (22 Yr Old) life has changed. People have changed. This stage seems to be so much different... I also thing it lasts a lot longer then anyone wants. Man this battle of we call life. RIGHT? yes.. well this may just be me. Please correct me if you don't fill this way.

I recently realized why things seem so much different then my younger years. I make so many of my own choices now. The world is my Canvas to paint and design. What an amazing thing...... Or I suppose it's supposed to be. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I like it some days but other days I'd love to go back to my teenage years and have my parents force me to do "Family" things instead of going with my friends. Time was so much different. I had a better grasps of my future.. or so I thought. Everyone eggs you on. YOU can be the world. If you DREAM it then it will BE. For now that's not the case. I feel like I've lost my dreams. What are they? What would I like to do with my life and my talents? I honestly do not know... I'm not always sure what my talents are. This isn't new I never have really been able to pin point something as a talent with me... People say I have them so I'll trust that for now.

well why I'm ranting on about this is because of my Stake Conference today at Church. Please if you have some bad feelings towards LDS religion then please don't stop reading here because I mentioned "Church." Hear me out.

I personally am Battling my feelings/beliefs.. Today a woman spoke who recently joined the church 6 months ago. I Listened to her talk and Envied her curiosity.. I wish I had a blank slate for the LDS Church sometimes I wish I could say... I do not know anything about this religion TEACH ME. Unfortunately or Fortunately I was born into a family that was LDS. I'm not able to hear the stories from an Adult perspective and be like "Yes That silly plan you have for death and the after life that is amazing I've never heard that before! that's true." I however am really trying to step back from myself.. and from what I've "grown up" thinking. I'm trying to look at it from a curious perspective.

As I said two weeks ago in my Post about the ward here and such.. If I Mrs. Edgerton am personally going to be religious. I'm going to be LDS. No if's ands or BUTS about that. I'm not leaning either way right now. I'm honestly evaluating my life and doing what I can to make a true and honest choice. I want to know Full heatedly that no matter what I would choose the LDS church. I need to know that.

On to why I'm writing this. Today the first two talks not including the one I already mentioned were just really great... If I had to explain them as a "whole" I'd say it was almost like I was having a conversation with a close friend and just learning more about them. I've never had that feeling before in such a large meeting... It honestly felt so personal and that they really wanted to get their point across. Keep in mind I still am struggling to remember things... My brain hasn't fully got back to where it was before all the Medication i was on. I tried to take notes but I would have missed to much at that moment in time if I took them in to much of depth So i'm just going to try and explain as best as I can but mostly just Give my personal thoughts.

The first talk was a man who started off saying "if you have ever asked the question is my testimony true? or do I even have a testimony?" Woah just getting right into it aren't we? Well It caught my attention because I obviously have been asking that a lot.

He went on to talk about how LDS Religion teaches us to be "true" as individuals and as a whole. He mentioned things (with doctrine to back it up i'm sorry I couldn't catch where it was from) God believes that there is truth in all religion and faiths. So that's the GIST i'm so sorry... I wish I could convey it better.. but my memory just couldn't hold it all.. however i'll give you what I was thinking and my feelings.

My feelings/Thoughts On his talk:

Aren't we all trying to be TRUE? True to ourselves True to others. I know I am... It really hit my core to think about these things. We all want True friends. True bosses. True lives in general. I know I do I know I want to be able to trust people and to be trusted. That's all I ever wanted. I could care less what they believe in what they ate fro breakfast what shoes they wore today.. Just to know you can have a True relationship with someone. That's what matters to me. How you get there.. How you become that person who can be True and Honest and Humble.. That's your choice. I may choose the LDS church. You  may Choose Wave Lengths and Happy thoughts. Fine with me. I also ask for respect though.. I give respect and I am willing to talk about why I do or believe certain things. But I do not want to be attacked for feel like I need to "prove" something to someone who clearly doesn't believe what I do. Why should I need to defend myself for My opinions. If I can be True, Loyal, Fun, Loving, Caring, A friend then why does that matter?

The second talk was given by a woman who's husband died last month at scout camp.. Wow Brave... to get up and talk about something that happened so recently and that is such a hard thing to go through. It was so amazing.. I hope I can give it justice. She wasn't old. She has young children. But it was amazing.

I would not even begin to give this justice without having the talk in front of me. The important part about it though was Meekness.

Meekness - Godfearing, Righteous, humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.

My feelings/Thoughts on her talk:

Lets think about that for a minute.. The one that stuck out to me the most was "teachable." All the others I've heard a million and 10 times. but Teachable... now that was something new to think about.. being Meek is to be teachable. huh... well I know there are situations where I really struggle with this..

You can learn so much from people though... what they believe or what you believe should not keep you away from having these experiences in life... Or causing problems in relationships that you want to keep. In a family setting especially. Lets learn to be Meek in every situation. Lets be Teachable. This woman said she had a moment where she felt Guilty because she felt Joy or Happiness on a certain day.. That maybe she didn't love her Husband enough and wasn't morning enough. Then she went on to say that, that wasn't the case. That with Meekness she is able to move forward and I think in a sense be "teachable" she is still able to see the joy in life and the beauty all around her. Even with such a loss.

Lets learn to be more teachable.. I want to at least... Who is with me?

I feel like I"m doing a pretty good job a sole human being. I know I have a lot to work on.. but I'm trying really hard to be True to myself.. and to be Teachable. I have so much I want to learn. I hope I can continue to keep these talks in my mind. I wanted to share how I felt and how I generally feel about "life" and growing with people. I hope you enjoyed

Always,

 Mrs. Edgerton

Emotions.Emotions.Emotions.

I know I know.. most are you are already probably all sick of my disability posts.. but I need this.. I need the outlet.. and I need the understanding from the people in my life.. It helps me feel like you know me more. I know my family likes these and I appreciate sooo much the love and support I got from you when I posted about it. A lot of you said it was brave.. I don't know how much I agree with that. I'd like to think I'm brave.. I just feel like it's honest. To me and to you.

So One of my new fav TV shows is Switched At Birth. It's an ABC family (of course) show that started I think last year? It's about a family who's babies got switched at birth and recently discover it. You get to go along with them down their journey of letting their kids meet their Biological parents. One of the daughters was in a fire at 3 years old and lost her hearing. So she is now Deaf. This new season started this week.. and the episode just hit home.

I know.. you guys are asking "but kristy you aren't deaf?!" No I am not.. but it's amazing the how the same feelings and emotions and thoughts come from a disability that is sooo different from mine.. yet we feel the same pain. I wanted to depict how it feels to write these posts.. and how it feels to be in a situation with a disability ANY disability.. I know it can be hard to "understand" I get it.. this is me reaching out.. and showing you more. I hope it helps.

I put this video up to show the "situation" before this she was having interviews trying to find a job. She had 12 interviews and each time when she told them she was deaf she knew the interview was over.. She kept trying though.. eventually she asked for help from her mother and Landed this job in this guys kitchen. 

This is the stage I'm at.. this clip.. is how I feel now.. I don't feel a way out when it comes to my "future" I know it's different but the feelings.. and the emotion and how she explains how she will be "stuck" is exactly how I feel... and the part where she talks about "accommodations" where if the chief would just Learn a few signs or look at her when he talks.. how much that would help.. this is exactly how I feel about going to school.. if they could just "dumb" the tests down it would help me so much. or other things also.. it's hard to feel like you can never get anywhere..

And right here... oh man my I just cry watching this.. It's exactly who I am... watching this episode just really tears at my heart strings.. I didn't realize why when my friend was making fun of how she talked and the way they signed... I didn't realize why I got so defensive but this episode really showed me why I feel the way I do. Me and them are in such similar situations.. but it's not fair. And I don't want anyone telling me that my "goals are too high." This last clip really explains how it feels.. how you don't want people doing things for you.. and how it's hard to ask for help.. but she pushes on.. she says "I cry I pout and then I handle it on my own." and she also says "I guess go back and try to get a system like you said. Make him realize I'm worth the extra effort." That's my attitude.. that's how I deal with this.. sometimes I fell.. and like I said in my first post.. about going Back to school.. I felt so helpless when I couldn't get the help.. but I still continued to go.. I gave it my best and all I had.. and to me I failed.. Right now ..

right here in this moment in life.. I haven't figured out how to ".. go back and try to get a system..." I don't have the answer now.. but i'm not going to lower my "goal" I'm not going to give up my dreams. I refuse. No matter who is telling me "what to do and how to act." I am who I am for a reason. that's that. 

and hard to understand....

I'm going to continue posting about this.. This thoughts I put down today.. were just the thoughts I had while watching an ABC Family TV show.. this is my every day life.. this is always on my mind.. this is me. If you don't like it or if this bores you. Please go be with someone else.. but I can use that love, support, and compassion right now. I'm not asking you to be fake. If you feel to respond to my post is being "fake" then you aren't understanding what this is.. and what this means to me and my life. 

Thank you for reading. I'd love your thoughts.. your questions.. your concerns.. Like I said I'm not going to stop talking about this. I need this outlet. I need this blog to be me.. to be all I have to offer. 

always,

Mrs. Edgerton

ps. sorry the sound quality is so bad. I didn't know how else to get the clips without using my phone.

Lets just talk.

I want to step away from the "learning disability" topic. So I'm just going to blab about things I'm thinking about.

First. Me and clayton watched the Hunger Games. He knows the first half of the first book but  he wasn't reading it.. I'd read them out loud to help me remember as a read. I do this a lot and am glad it doesn't annoy him. But anywho it was his first time seeing it! He enjoyed it but said it wasn't "great." I beg to differ but I'm attached by the book. I just love seeing stories come to live. I don't think it was perfect heavens no but I'm pretty sure I'm going to watch it again today. I'm a sucker for this stuff. I didn't think the harry potter movies were the BEST in sense of compassion to the books. I did enjoy them and still do to this day! It's just really great to be able to see a story come to life. See what costumes they used and the art behind it just is wonderful! I'm looking forward to the Hobbit so muuch! can't wait.

On to Topics of MOVING:

One..

 We couldn't find the litter we usually buy at the local store here (everything is local or only have a few branches no chains. There is a target a few miles each direction but not in berkeley.) So we figured we try a new kind... BAD IDEA apparently cats can get attached to litter.. and sense scratch! had used the same kind her whole life.. caaa-bam.. not only that it was just AWFUL stuff.. didn't clump right and they didn't burry it after awhile. Oh and the smell.. the smell was just horrid. So we put backing soda in it to soak the smell up.. and that's when I guess scratch decide no more litter box.. So saturday morning I think it was.. the day after I put the backing soda in we woke up and found Pee... on the... COUCH. ugh it's awful.. the worst part about it is that this couch doesn't have removable cushions.. so we have been trying to get the smell out all weekend.. still not a COMPLETE success.. it's closer... but there seems to be a stench in the back.

Then on Sunday night scratch! peed on our blankets/bed mostly blankets so thank heavens for that! washing the smell out is soooo much easier! and it didn't get on the bed as much! but the stuff we are using got the smell right out of it! it's called Anti-Icky-Poo such a great name.. so that's also been most of our weekend.. YUCKY... if you know me i'm an extreme neat freak.. so my natural instinct is to TOSS this couch out.. it's so gross...



Two..

 PLEASE why did NONE ever mention.. when apartment hunting make sure it has carpet.. I don't know maybe it should just be instinct or what not.. but keeping up all wooden floors is a hassle! I'll figure it out eventually. They look wonderful and really nice but having pets.. equals... Dust/cat litter/cat hair/normal stuff.... and the convenience of carpet just garbing all that stuff is wonderful.. because then you can just use a VACUUM... oh man do I wish... but nope sweeping and mopping the whole apartment.. weeehee I wont make that mistake again. Part of it too is that this is a studio so this may just be something I have to deal with.. and you know what for cheaper rent... I can do it.


Three...

Thank you Berkeley for having pretty great weather. At first I was like.. BRRRR this is so cold why would anyone want to live here.. but that was coming from Utah where it was 97 almost every day at the time. I was also really enjoying the heat and going to 7 peaks and just spending time outside...... which I will miss and will maybe have to make summer trips to utah or other hot places because of this. But honestly it's super nice not to have to use air conditioning! and WAY CHEAP! so lets be thankful. you can just pop those windows open and there you have it a nice pleasant breeze.


also this is the song I just loove right now. I don't care how childish or how much you hate it. I love it. I know every word.

So those were just some of my day to day thoughts. mostly todays.. sense I've been cleaning and such. I"m going to go ride my bike and get a drink. have a nice day everyone!


xxoo

Mrs. Edgerton