Long Term Memory loss Questions.

My Sister-in-law asked me a few questions and I responded to her via Facebook message at first but I think now i'll post what I wrote to her here.


again tori thank you for the comment. questions are greatly appreciated if anything wasn't understood or even if you just feel like you couldn't "relate" just ask i'm more then willing to share.

So does this mean you don't remember any of your past?

yes sadly it does. I have select memories... but the more I try to think about it the more I realize that those memories I do have are ones that usually come up in meaning full conversations with people.. I'll give you an example.

one memory I have is dancing around a computer chair while playing PetZ with a friend and hoping that our puppies would have babies... this apparently was something we did on a daily bases.. I only have one memory of it.. and it's a memory me and my friend have talked about on countless occasions and giggle about.. however I have no idea when it happened.. how old i was.. or any real details.. what I remember.. is what I've been given back to me through the those conversations with my friend. What she has recalled and told me.

sometimes when I see a photo I'll have an attachment to it.. love, fear, sadness, sometimes even a smell that I can't describe.. but I wont remember why... and this happens very often.. in photos that i've taken in the past year even just one year ago... I wont know where it was.. or when it was.. or what I did around that time.. I'll just look at it and feel something..

HOwever, sometimes someone will bring up a time. Usually my sister and recall something of a certain time in my life.. and it will ping something. This usually only happens to sad memories though.. like things that really really affected me and that I most likely have thought about again and again. However, when my sister recalls it she remembers so much more then I do. I remember one moment that personally struck me. but nothing else.. not what caused that moment nothing just that moment.

does it mean it takes a lot more work to make a memory?

In a sense Yes.. but I can never fully make a memory. My short term memory has been over compensating for my long term memory is what they say. Which means that it works a lot better then normal peoples short term memory and behaves similar to long term memory but can never fully grasps the same as if I had a long term memory. So it will hold as much as it can but in the long run.. things get lost really easy unless I really think about them a lot and on a daily bases. that being said an example would be.

school work Vs. relationships. I lose learning things a lot more then Relationship information because to me relationships are so very important and... if you forget something serious about a person one day they tend to get pretty upset and hurt... and I learned that at a young age so I made it a priority.. and school work unless i'm doing it every day .. i lose it. it's gone out of my memory.. forever. so taking a math test to get back into school I would have literally had to relearn everything because in my brain I never learned it... unlike the things that everyone used for every math class ever and use in a every day basis. if that makes sense?

How does it affect your daily life?

I think I kind of answered this.. but to go into a little more of it.. It's not to bad every day... I have to do things.. I enjoy doing them and I hope to find more things that help.. but I try really hard to continue to read. I couldn't stress how much that helps.. I really focused on that this time around after the lortab time table.. I started picking up a book imidiately after the other and just have read nearly every day. It really helps work my brain to remember.. because you have to remember the stories as you read or you might misss something.

it was really hard at first... i'd have to go back and check things a lot... and even now the books I read the first months after stopping the intake of lortab.. I would like to read again because I've nearly forgotten all of it... which is hard. I can only recall the ending and how I responded to it.. and that's a book a read only three months ago..

but now I can recall a lot more in my daily life. and it's been really amazing.. that's actually why I started writing that post.. originally i just wanted it to be about how having my memory back has given me more confidence this last week then I've had in a whole year.. and how amazing it is to remember something clayton told me yesterday.. something that I personally seeked out and asked him.. before I'd ask him something.. and it's something I really wanted the answer to.. but minutes later i'd forget what he told me. that was really hard... and until this week I didn't notice how much lortab affected me personally because of my disability..

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I really enjoyed answering these questions it helps to explain things when people ask. If something didn't make sense to someone here please please please comment and ask. The whole point to that last post was to help the people close to me learn who I am and why I do the things I do.. to me my learning disability is almost 90% of why I do things... and I feel that to grow as a person I want people to know it about me.. and really know me.

Why I don't have an "addictive" personality!

So can I tell you how GREAT this month has been.

It's been about 3 months or a little more sense my doctor refused to give me anymore lortab because he didn't want to create an "addict." First. I was sad because I to this day still have pain that over the counter drugs just don't do the trick sometimes. Second. People were like "why didn't you just tell him you only take it twice a week already." well the answer that is because I trusted my doctor and I don't feel comfortable fighting for pills.

I clearly was never an addict. I did learn how to enjoy them when I Had to use them.  I wont deny that. I for realz understand why people get addicted. I however have my reasons for HATING them.

Kay so if you are family you already know about this... at least I think you do.. I didn't really tell ANYONE until I graduated high school because I was ashamed of it..

I have a Very Major learning disability and.. VERY rare learning disability. I do not have my Long Term Memory. That's right. For those who don't know how the brain works... here is my very very very basic knowledge of how the memory sections work.

1. You think something "BAM IDEA"
2. this Idea travels into your Short term memory sticks around for a while.. but then "bam" "bam" "bam" "bam" you just thought four more Ideas...
3. Those ideas fill up the Short Term Memory so the first idea you had moves...
4. To the LOOOOONG term memory and NEVER moves again..


So that's just a jest of how it works.. Now think about what I said... NO.. that's right.. NONE. NOTTA. NOTHING. I have no long term memory.. that may lead you to say "but kristy.... how is that possible you are so beautiful and gorgeous and of course BRILLIANT. There is no way you don't remember things"... okay maybe not exactly like that but still ;). I actually am smart.. you are right I have to tell myself that if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to do what my brain actually does..

So sense I have no cool little storage compartment that just LOVES holding all my wonderful memories.. I looked at my Short Term memory and was like "Kay buddy you and me... we have some talking to do.. you have to work really hard kay? do you understand? you need to hold as much as possible... and that means being really awesome."

At least if I could talk to my brain that's what I'd say. So when I as in i think... 2nd grade maybe 3rd.. They started noticing it in my reading.. so they thought I had dyslexia. So I ended up getting tested and they noticed that I did really well in the areas where the showed me something say like a list of words and had me repeat it right back to them a minute later. or in other words they had parts where they gave you the information and then you got tested on it right there.. but then they gave you parts of the test of things I should have already known from my schooling already.

The test came back that on the stuff they taught me that day I did AMAZING in but on the stuff I would have to Recall from oooh lets say "long term" memory.. well I did very poor in... so there you have it they told me my problem. Unfortunately for me... this isn't common in fact in all my years of school I have yet to meet someone with the same problem.

this is going to be pretty long... sorry but I really wanted to talk about it and get it out of my system with people going back to school this week.. including my husband.

So from there on out I had special help.. Let me just tell you.. right now.. If you kid or someone you know who is young and has a learning disability please.. please please... do not send them to school in utah.. do your research and find the BEST state for them to be in depending on the case. I love my parents I do but I really wish they would have done this for me.. They got lucky and I'm a hard worker... but it wasn't enough.

So I made it through grade school.. I can't recall a lot of my problems from then or what it was like having a learning disability and I"m so sorry for that.. But I can still partially remember high school and college. So Like I sad i'm a hard worker.. it's a blessing and a curse.. being someone who has a learning disability and wanting to get A+++++'s well... it's impossible.. I strongly believe if I hadn't had this I would have had 4.0's or higher and would have gone to some amazing college for some really hard degree.. but who knows maybe without it I wouldn't be so motivated to beat it.

Which is exactly what I am... I always looked at it and said.. this is my little "secret" I'm not going to let anyone know about it.. and for the most part.. other then my teachers and obviously the people who work with disabilities.. People never would guess that I ever had any problems.. When we moved to PA in 8th grade I was STUNNED by the stuff they could do to help us. The one thing I ever used though was them having the teachers take away the "trickiness" of tests. You know what I mean right? how the teacher tries to make you THINK really hard about something super simple... because they want to make sure you know it.. well that makes me Fail... makes me sweat... makes me stress.. and a lot of the time.. makes me break down into tears. But no in Pennsylvania they took it away. They made it possible for me to be the student I wanted to be. It was amazing and helped me so much.

Why did that help me? well because think about it.. for most normal brained people including my extremely smart siblings.. When they hear something in class even if they are reading something or looking at someone else or just not paying attention they'll remember it... just by HEARING it... I will envy this for my whole life... do you want to know what I have to do to remember that information? just to MAYBE not even a garantee that I'll remember it.. I have to Hear it, Look at it on the board, Write it, Look at it again, Re-Write it... and then STUDY MY BUTT OFF... that's right I'd take my notes home and RE-Write them every night... and even after all of that.. I may have missed something.. if they didn't put it on the board.. if I just by chance was writing down the thing they said before and missed a VITAL piece of information.. well.. My brain doesn't catch it... so that never gets stored...

so having them dumb down the test helped me a lot... because if I know the information i know it... if I read a question and I say.. WTF... then I don't know it.. that's as simple as it is for me... the unfortunate thing though.. and the thing that gets me to this day.. is I lose the information so fast... I work so hard... so very very hard to just have it to pass tests... and I lose it so easy... i'm crying writing this. I hope you appreciate this post.. because it's the hardest subject of my life.. Then we moved back to utah.. and well they couldn't do any of the stuff they did for me in Pennsylvania.. luckily though I learned a lot and they helped me so much that...

In 11th grade I took my yearly disability test they gave me test every year to assest how I was doing.. and in 11th grade I finally ... Passed as "average" on everything... that's right me.. the girl who does all that stuff to remember things... I FINALLY got average... and they said to me "do you still want our help" I clearly being so proud said "no i think i'll try to graduate on my own."

and guess what I did it! It's amazing really.. I got a scholarship to BYU-I for it and everything....

And then my dreams were crushed the first semester of college... right? college is hard? of course.... but I was still the kristy that... had a "secret" that got through High school and even with NO help in 12th grade! I was really really really happy about it and thought maybe I'd beaten it.. No.. it was even harder.. texts books had soo many new words... the work load was trippled... and for me .. that mean like x5... I was depressed... I spent nearly every hour in my room studying.. the scholarship I had... I had to have 14 credits to keep.. 14.. I got it for a disability? REALLY PEOPLE....

I remember having a class that took me 2 hours to read 20 pages... I had to read and re read and re read and re read.. and then the next day I still couldn't understand or remember the information.. Then my family started falling apart... so I decided to go home and not finish the year. My heart was broken I was defeated.. and my family was cracking between my fingers. I don't know how  I made it through the two years after that.

Then when I started dating clayton I decided... maybe I was just depressed maybe just maybe I can do better now.. I also gave up my secret. I said to myself "Kristy you can't do this alone anymore go talk to them they can help you." So I got into UVU and took the tests I needed to see what level I was on in things... I was on elementary school math.. I was about 7 classes below the algebra... it broke me... so I wen to the disability center.. determined to beat this thing again and have a life... I filled out this HUGE packet.. that asked questions that I wished people had asked me.. I was soo hopeful..

When I sat down in that room the lady looked over the packet and goes "Hmmm... so you have long term memory loss? that's interesting.. what is that like?."... right there... she had never even met someone with my disability.. I knew there was no hope for getting help.. it just got worse.. they told me sense I hadn't had an IUD test sense 11th grade I needed to get a new one to get help... which my only options were to get on BYU's LIST and then wait.. most likely two years to even get tested... or pay a ton of money to go to someone to get tested... so I asked her how they could help... the only help they had was having "extended time on tests" and "test read out loud to you."... I cried I called my dad told him I couldn't do it... Some how he talked me into staying in school.. and seeing how I did..

So I did it.. and not to my surprise... I got depressed.. and stressed... Granted I did get better grade... but I again had to sacrifice every spare minute I had...

I dropped out yet again.

My heart still breaks to this day... I struggle with this choice every day of my life... I think about it all the time... what I wouldn't give for my long term memory.. i'm crying again...

now that brings me back to the beginning of this post.. Why I could never be an addict... the thing I've heard the most... is when people drink, or do pills, or any kind of serious drug... they say they do it to "forget." I look at them and I say.. WHY... why would you want to forget? I wish I could remember the way you do.. I wish i could hold on to even the saddest times of my life..

After 2ish months almost three... I can finally remember everything I do in a day.... FINALLY well maybe not EVERYTHING.. but I mean to function.. I can remember what claytons classes are.. granted I still have to ask him a dozen times what they are but I can remember it again...

Being on lortab so long.. for like pretty much a whole year... I feel like I've lost five years of my life.. I didn't even realize it until now.. but I can't remember very much at all... it breaks my heart... I barely remember my wedding day... I hate them I hate pain pills...

But I'm grateful. oh man am i so happy to be able to remember again. well.. remember the best that I can..

thanks for reading.. i'm sorry it's so long..

always,

Claiming Mrs Edgerton

biking biking biking!!!!

Can I just say.. BIKING.

I love it. I needed it. I've wanted it!

why might you ask? well that's easy I can't run or walk briskly and even with machines it's not the same as seeing the world.

There was a joke I made to make me feel better during surgery. If I saw someone walking/running/biking/jumping you name it. I'd say something along the lines of:

-They are just MOCKING me.
-They are just like look at ME i'm WALKING.

Of course in a sarcastic voice and usually over and over because that's my style. I think it's hilarious so I repeat it until you think it's hilarious. hahaha.

My bike :] in my small apartment! 

But now I'm mocking anyone who's handicraped.. just kidding that's mean but I am enjoying it. I'm enjoying the fact that wanking up the stairs HURTS and that walking up a TINY slat up a hill HURTS. Oh man I've wanted that hurt for so long! Now I have it and I love it so much. Not only that it's helping me get back into shape sooner then a gym would. I never realized that a bike works your whole body my arms,legs,tummy! everything gets sore! it's great.

So going with this. I biked to church. all up hill. HARD but worth it! today I did not bike despite the fact I still wanted to! but I'm sore and I slept half the day yesterday  because it wore me out so much! But like I said worth it.

Church was amazing. My dad texted me after reading my last post and asked to hear about church here. I know he's at least interested so I suppose it doesn't hurt. I don't usually brag about going to church or being LDS. But I'll just talk about the experience so far. Which.. is amazing. I've struggled a lot with being married to a so called "non-member" I'd prefer to say someone not of my faith. I know I know.. "no one would treat you different for that!" and maybe you're right. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't that fact completely but I know clayton felt it also. I know that maybe it could be my foot surgeries keeping me from being a 100% active member.  But non the less it's been hard to say the least.

Here is what the ward building looks like!

I've really doubted my faith... I love you all (my family) please do not be upset about what I'm about to say. I promise it has NOTHING to do with clayton not being a member and all to do with my trials testing me. I am not saying i'm not a member. I am. For now at least. But the first sunday I went to church I was more on the line then I am now. They have been focusing on mission work at this ward I'm not sure about everywhere but they are here. They had a handfull of people telling their testimonies. The second to last one was a girl maybe a few years older then me. she said something along the lines of this

"I love this church. It has changed my life. I've been a member all my life and never doubted it because I saw what not believing or following it did to my family members who denied it. The hard times in my life have changed who I am. I grew up believing in the church 100%. That it would bring my dreams. Once I hit my 20's that water got really mercy. It turns out not all your dreams do come true or just don't happen the way you want. That really tested me and made me really look into the church. I found things I didn't like that I didn't know before. I however believe this church is true"

That's just a jest of what I remember. What mattered to me at least.. So what I got from that.. well It's been really mercy for me. SURPRISE I'm now also in my 20's. Amazing how that happens. I think it happens to a lot of people. At least I hope so.. because growing up has been a lot harder then I thought it would be. A lot more unclear.

Me and clayton at the Oakland Temple.

But the thing I wanted to say is that Line I was on I'm not sure where I'm at but I know if I'm going to be religiosity at all it's going to be the LDS church I choose. I've been to other churches with friends in PA and it's not the same at least not for me. Please don't get the wrong Idea from this post. Please if you have doubts or questions about where I'm at come to me. Talk to me. I'm here to answer and love everyone. I Just didn't feel right writing this post without saying what I needed to. Honesty is the best policy right?

However, I'd love to share yesterday with you. First. I personally love relief society. I have NEVER once said that in my whole time going to church. But here I LOVE it. I'll get to that in a minute my dad mentioned in his text "talk about how it's different in the mission field." As most of you know I lived in the mission field before obviously my dad knows what it's like but it is different. The talks in sacrament are usually a little be more quirky. Not in a bad way in a good way. You just kind of lose that normal "Utah" way of talking about things. which is nice. seems a little more human to me. ( I am not trying to be mean here I love so many people in utah.)

I have to admit i'm not a huge fan of my sunday school class. I like to go to the basic gospel principles class which is usually smaller/new members but I prefer to learn about the principles then going into so much depth in the scriptures. but the class is really small. and usually pretty short the way they run the classes is a little different.

now relief society-- love it. Both times I've gone. I didn't go last sunday because clayton came to sacrament with me and I don't like forcing him to the other meetings. But this sunday I totally needed relief society.. it was all about feeling left out or odd in a ward. Then turned into talking about how sometimes even when people don't stretch out to you that you need to be aware of people around you and maybe invite them to go to a movie or on a shopping trip with your friends. Not to forget about them just because they aren't in your group of people. It was exactly what I needed and really touching also. Then after a girl who is older then me  talked to me and of course I was already emotional from the spirit touching me and just the act of kindness made me cry and open up to her. It was just nice. and I really appreciated it. I also appreciated someone I personally don't remember meeting coming up to me and asking if Clayton was taking a certain class in school. That to me really meant just a tremendous amount.. The fact that someone who doesn't even know me asks about my husband even though he isn't sitting next to me. It was a good day. well dad I hope this was a good post for you. and I enjoyed writing it.

I wanted to say how much I miss and love my family. Truly I will be longing for your love.
oh short thing. I applied at a small cafe me and clayton love called Northside Cafe it's a shift on MWF from 9-2pm so hoping to hear back from that! short shift every other day.. sounds like a good "test" to see how my feet hold up and I already know i'd love working with the girls who work there.. so hoping.. and I sent my resume into a Credit Union here that I'd like to work at also. So i'm not giving up and not giving in to depression. at least not all the time.

always,

Claiming Mrs. Edgerton.

Shucks..

Reading my post from this year.. which aren't a lot... are well Depressing. even the happy ones are kind of depressing..

Even today... The only things I can think to write about are well..

.Depressing.

I'm sorry I'm such a "feel sorry for me" person. I really am trying but I don't think I could explain how hard this has been. I haven't written as often because I had that other foot blog.. then once the wound finally healed I guess I just didn't know what to write about.

We moved. woooooohooo.

I'm not going to lie I love the city of Berkeley! I love all the local businesses and just the town in general. However, Clayton starting school last week has been rough. Up until now I had a buddy even though we were poor as dirt for two weeks there, I still had him here. As soon as he started school though... It was like I was back to surgery kristy..

I suppose it's easier to revert back to how you felt when it was so close and you still haven't gotten rid of your bad habits. Trust me we both have some terrible no good non loving non couple habits we need to break...

With how long the surgeries went.. it kind of put us into a "care giver" and "care needed" positions in our relationship. Which I will never not once complain about how well clayton took care of me when I truly couldn't do anything for myself. He was amazing and stronger then I could have expected.. but now I don't need that anymore and he doesn't either. We need to be a normal couple again.. and I hope we can break these terrible no good very bad patterns in our days... I love him and I know we can break this. It's just hard.

I have no friends.. possibly can't get a job... but the other day I rode my bike for the first time to target. man was that a blast from the past I love riding bikes! I've said it before and I'll say it again! IT was fun! hard and soo good for my legs I haven't worked them that hard for so long i'm tired of being out of shape.. i'm tired of gaining weight I have no control over. I'm tired of not being able to dance for hours straight.

I still can not wait for the day I can do a cartwheel that day is not here yet. But I'm working and striving... Help me move forward? I love so many people and strive for so much. I may sound negative I just get lonely. I'm sorry.

ps. I've been reading a lot!

I'll try to blog more. Let me know what would be good to blog about?


Always K-bear.