I'm really not sure at this point what my real feelings are. I'll be honest sometimes when people try to in courage me I get upset.. but then again it's because their hope makes me hopeful.. and I feel like I'm just betting on getting let down.
Ask my dad.. kay this is my core self right here.. When my parents were in the process of deciding about getting divorced my dad used to try and ask me things. One time he just asked "Kristy, isn't it okay just to hope that it will be okay that we will stay together?" and my response was "No dad. There is no hope here. It is how it is and it's not going to change by hoping." this isn't the only time I've told him and to this day he will tease me about being the "hope police." It's true I see things at face value. I saw that my parents marriage was over and no I wasn't a child at this time and just making a dumb choice. My parents marriage was over and that's that. My dad had been grasping to stings that were finally cut that year.
This is me. Kristy. I see my foot situation. I do hope. I hope a lot for the tiniest things. I hoped every time that my wound would be healing every week I got let down. Every week I cried when they said "lets just keep it on for another such and such time." I'm not saying I don't hope. But sometimes I feel that it is wishful thinking. I wont lie.
these things are unpredictable. That's just the honest to God truth about it. You can't just say "after this surgery is over I'm DONE." I made that mistake in this post: Click Here. If you read that you see where I say "Anyway I'm just ready for it to be done... We are both REALLY excited for it to be over finally. After this I'll feel like I can really get my life back. or have a better idea of where to go and look forward." But obviously I had a gut feeling that something wasn't going to be so right... and guess what.. It sure wasn't. I'm about 7 months sense that post and I still have no idea where my life is going. I'm completely lost.
I'll be fine "one day" yes I know that. One day even if I'm never normal I'll create a new normal. One day I'll be more content and settled in my situation and my surroundings. One day I wont care how I look on the outside and hope that what's on the inside is more beautiful then anything can ever be. One day I hope to have children who will call me Momma or some crazy nick names or Hate me. One day I hope to grow old with Clayton. So forth and so on. life is this way. Life will always be this way.
For now I don't feel like it's over. I haven't reached a happy place.. truly happy for a long time. I think it may be a long time before I can nip this feeling in the butt.. I know one day I will. I know one day every little thing is going to be alright. I know that. But right now... It's not. I'm not.. and that's the truth.
I really really really so deeply want this to all be over. However, It isn't. I'm still fighting this battle.. I haven't hit a normal yet. I am not ready to accept I suppose. Or I just don't know what the path is I'm on. I'm blinded. So keep things in mind when we speak. I love you all so much and I don't mean to be a downer. Lets talk about you when we talk. Lets talk about anything. Right now I don't want to Update the foot blog because I'm not really ready to talk about it. It's not terrible news but it's not the best either.
I do my best to stay positive every day. If you know me you know this is true. I try to find joy in everything. However, sometimes the feelings of the heart win over the power of the brain. I strive to make every day worth living. I will always and forever continue to do that. I've never not once in my life.. not at my lowest of lows have wanted to leave this life. I will always appreciate what I have that is good. I promise you this. Please do not think that by reading this post that I'm just creating this for myself and that if I just tried to be happy I could be. Because I do try. And some days I win and some days.. I just don't. But who wins all the time. Lets be honest.
Oh the journey of life my friends. These surgeries have aged me.. I can tell you that much.
Claiming Mrs. Edgerton
I know its not the same, but I do relate to some of your feelings. Since Aly went into the hospital, I find myself really struggling some days. I want to focus on the positive but sometimes its very hard. I also have trouble with reconciling how I "think" I should feel and how I actually feel. It can be so hard to ride the roller coaster of ups and downs and keep going. But what choice do we have? Someday we will find the new normal. Just wanted to let you know I think you've handled yourself beautifully, at least outwardly. :) I am here if you ever want to talk. You're the closest thing I have to a sister. :) Much love, Tori.
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