10.21.2012

Goals?

Goals. Goals. Goals.

I'm really not fond of this word right now. I'm supposed to be in an age of life where everything is limitless. Supposedly. I however, have a very limited situation. At least when it comes to physical work. I've been beating myself up a lot lately about not having a job or  a purpose. Not only that but on a daily bases I tell myself I'm not everything I used to be. That I can't be as fulfilled in a job or as good of an employee as I used to be... On top of that... I still have no end in sight in the foot situation.. 

As of this week I've had a taste of walking normal. I get very tired after a short amount of that though and end up on the couch most the day. I think back to a few years ago when I was sooo active and doing so much physically. That had dwindled before my surgeries because of my feet but never to this level. What I would give for a taste of running, dancing, hopping, skipping and standing on my tip toes. 

Wishful thinking. However, when that day comes I will do it a million and ten times until I'm sore, the whole time with a huge smile on my face. 

I've put a lot of thought into working again. I know I know... "why don't you just get a calling center job?" simple... I hate it.. I'm sorry but as much I want to be working I want my work to be satisfying on SOME level.. Call center jobs don't satisfy me what-so-ever. Plain and simple. It'd be different if on the days I had off I could go and over exert myself in something I LOOVE like hiking,biking,dancing.. That's not the case. I"m not going to put myself in a call center a job again where I perform GREAT but never get noticed... 



I'm motivated, determined  hardworking, personable (most days), loyal, and willing to learn. Every time I come to this question.. "should I get a job?" I always beat myself up.. what about the days that you can barely stand up? what would you tell someone interviewing you? why would they hire me over someone a million more times capable? 

Clayton is amazing when I get down like this.. and just tells me "eventually someone will see the eagerness in your face and the dedication you have." All I usually have to say to that is "I really hope so." I'm still over coming a lot of unfortunate fears I've gained over this past year. I've become timid when I used to be flowing with energy around people. I doubt what I have to say when I used to say whatever I felt like in a situation.

I haven't gotten to a point where I feel like I deserve a job. I have been able to get to a point where I feel like I want it bad enough to go for it. The goal I have at this moment is:

  1.  Once i feel like I can ride my bike without fear of breaking the heal bone then I'll start applying.
By applying I mean for ANYTHING around here. There are tons of local businesses and I'm hoping to find just something SMALL a phew shifts a week and small hours. I want something I'll enjoy. We aren't stressed for money right now which I'm very lucky to be in this situation now. We'd like a little money to start saving for christmas and stuff but as of living cost we are okay. I want to be able to test my limits and just get out there to see how "capable" I really am. Instead of just going off my own thoughts... 

That's the goal I have right now..... it's small. but it's something. Please any suggestions or ideas are appreciated. I've come a long way emotionally from where I was a five or 6 months ago. I'm still working every single day on being a brighter happier me. 


Claiming Mrs. Edgerton

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