Emotions.Emotions.Emotions.

I know I know.. most are you are already probably all sick of my disability posts.. but I need this.. I need the outlet.. and I need the understanding from the people in my life.. It helps me feel like you know me more. I know my family likes these and I appreciate sooo much the love and support I got from you when I posted about it. A lot of you said it was brave.. I don't know how much I agree with that. I'd like to think I'm brave.. I just feel like it's honest. To me and to you.

So One of my new fav TV shows is Switched At Birth. It's an ABC family (of course) show that started I think last year? It's about a family who's babies got switched at birth and recently discover it. You get to go along with them down their journey of letting their kids meet their Biological parents. One of the daughters was in a fire at 3 years old and lost her hearing. So she is now Deaf. This new season started this week.. and the episode just hit home.

I know.. you guys are asking "but kristy you aren't deaf?!" No I am not.. but it's amazing the how the same feelings and emotions and thoughts come from a disability that is sooo different from mine.. yet we feel the same pain. I wanted to depict how it feels to write these posts.. and how it feels to be in a situation with a disability ANY disability.. I know it can be hard to "understand" I get it.. this is me reaching out.. and showing you more. I hope it helps.

I put this video up to show the "situation" before this she was having interviews trying to find a job. She had 12 interviews and each time when she told them she was deaf she knew the interview was over.. She kept trying though.. eventually she asked for help from her mother and Landed this job in this guys kitchen. 

This is the stage I'm at.. this clip.. is how I feel now.. I don't feel a way out when it comes to my "future" I know it's different but the feelings.. and the emotion and how she explains how she will be "stuck" is exactly how I feel... and the part where she talks about "accommodations" where if the chief would just Learn a few signs or look at her when he talks.. how much that would help.. this is exactly how I feel about going to school.. if they could just "dumb" the tests down it would help me so much. or other things also.. it's hard to feel like you can never get anywhere..

And right here... oh man my I just cry watching this.. It's exactly who I am... watching this episode just really tears at my heart strings.. I didn't realize why when my friend was making fun of how she talked and the way they signed... I didn't realize why I got so defensive but this episode really showed me why I feel the way I do. Me and them are in such similar situations.. but it's not fair. And I don't want anyone telling me that my "goals are too high." This last clip really explains how it feels.. how you don't want people doing things for you.. and how it's hard to ask for help.. but she pushes on.. she says "I cry I pout and then I handle it on my own." and she also says "I guess go back and try to get a system like you said. Make him realize I'm worth the extra effort." That's my attitude.. that's how I deal with this.. sometimes I fell.. and like I said in my first post.. about going Back to school.. I felt so helpless when I couldn't get the help.. but I still continued to go.. I gave it my best and all I had.. and to me I failed.. Right now ..

right here in this moment in life.. I haven't figured out how to ".. go back and try to get a system..." I don't have the answer now.. but i'm not going to lower my "goal" I'm not going to give up my dreams. I refuse. No matter who is telling me "what to do and how to act." I am who I am for a reason. that's that. 

and hard to understand....

I'm going to continue posting about this.. This thoughts I put down today.. were just the thoughts I had while watching an ABC Family TV show.. this is my every day life.. this is always on my mind.. this is me. If you don't like it or if this bores you. Please go be with someone else.. but I can use that love, support, and compassion right now. I'm not asking you to be fake. If you feel to respond to my post is being "fake" then you aren't understanding what this is.. and what this means to me and my life. 

Thank you for reading. I'd love your thoughts.. your questions.. your concerns.. Like I said I'm not going to stop talking about this. I need this outlet. I need this blog to be me.. to be all I have to offer. 

always,

Mrs. Edgerton

ps. sorry the sound quality is so bad. I didn't know how else to get the clips without using my phone.