Why I don't have an "addictive" personality!

So can I tell you how GREAT this month has been.

It's been about 3 months or a little more sense my doctor refused to give me anymore lortab because he didn't want to create an "addict." First. I was sad because I to this day still have pain that over the counter drugs just don't do the trick sometimes. Second. People were like "why didn't you just tell him you only take it twice a week already." well the answer that is because I trusted my doctor and I don't feel comfortable fighting for pills.

I clearly was never an addict. I did learn how to enjoy them when I Had to use them.  I wont deny that. I for realz understand why people get addicted. I however have my reasons for HATING them.

Kay so if you are family you already know about this... at least I think you do.. I didn't really tell ANYONE until I graduated high school because I was ashamed of it..

I have a Very Major learning disability and.. VERY rare learning disability. I do not have my Long Term Memory. That's right. For those who don't know how the brain works... here is my very very very basic knowledge of how the memory sections work.

1. You think something "BAM IDEA"
2. this Idea travels into your Short term memory sticks around for a while.. but then "bam" "bam" "bam" "bam" you just thought four more Ideas...
3. Those ideas fill up the Short Term Memory so the first idea you had moves...
4. To the LOOOOONG term memory and NEVER moves again..


So that's just a jest of how it works.. Now think about what I said... NO.. that's right.. NONE. NOTTA. NOTHING. I have no long term memory.. that may lead you to say "but kristy.... how is that possible you are so beautiful and gorgeous and of course BRILLIANT. There is no way you don't remember things"... okay maybe not exactly like that but still ;). I actually am smart.. you are right I have to tell myself that if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to do what my brain actually does..

So sense I have no cool little storage compartment that just LOVES holding all my wonderful memories.. I looked at my Short Term memory and was like "Kay buddy you and me... we have some talking to do.. you have to work really hard kay? do you understand? you need to hold as much as possible... and that means being really awesome."

At least if I could talk to my brain that's what I'd say. So when I as in i think... 2nd grade maybe 3rd.. They started noticing it in my reading.. so they thought I had dyslexia. So I ended up getting tested and they noticed that I did really well in the areas where the showed me something say like a list of words and had me repeat it right back to them a minute later. or in other words they had parts where they gave you the information and then you got tested on it right there.. but then they gave you parts of the test of things I should have already known from my schooling already.

The test came back that on the stuff they taught me that day I did AMAZING in but on the stuff I would have to Recall from oooh lets say "long term" memory.. well I did very poor in... so there you have it they told me my problem. Unfortunately for me... this isn't common in fact in all my years of school I have yet to meet someone with the same problem.

this is going to be pretty long... sorry but I really wanted to talk about it and get it out of my system with people going back to school this week.. including my husband.

So from there on out I had special help.. Let me just tell you.. right now.. If you kid or someone you know who is young and has a learning disability please.. please please... do not send them to school in utah.. do your research and find the BEST state for them to be in depending on the case. I love my parents I do but I really wish they would have done this for me.. They got lucky and I'm a hard worker... but it wasn't enough.

So I made it through grade school.. I can't recall a lot of my problems from then or what it was like having a learning disability and I"m so sorry for that.. But I can still partially remember high school and college. So Like I sad i'm a hard worker.. it's a blessing and a curse.. being someone who has a learning disability and wanting to get A+++++'s well... it's impossible.. I strongly believe if I hadn't had this I would have had 4.0's or higher and would have gone to some amazing college for some really hard degree.. but who knows maybe without it I wouldn't be so motivated to beat it.

Which is exactly what I am... I always looked at it and said.. this is my little "secret" I'm not going to let anyone know about it.. and for the most part.. other then my teachers and obviously the people who work with disabilities.. People never would guess that I ever had any problems.. When we moved to PA in 8th grade I was STUNNED by the stuff they could do to help us. The one thing I ever used though was them having the teachers take away the "trickiness" of tests. You know what I mean right? how the teacher tries to make you THINK really hard about something super simple... because they want to make sure you know it.. well that makes me Fail... makes me sweat... makes me stress.. and a lot of the time.. makes me break down into tears. But no in Pennsylvania they took it away. They made it possible for me to be the student I wanted to be. It was amazing and helped me so much.

Why did that help me? well because think about it.. for most normal brained people including my extremely smart siblings.. When they hear something in class even if they are reading something or looking at someone else or just not paying attention they'll remember it... just by HEARING it... I will envy this for my whole life... do you want to know what I have to do to remember that information? just to MAYBE not even a garantee that I'll remember it.. I have to Hear it, Look at it on the board, Write it, Look at it again, Re-Write it... and then STUDY MY BUTT OFF... that's right I'd take my notes home and RE-Write them every night... and even after all of that.. I may have missed something.. if they didn't put it on the board.. if I just by chance was writing down the thing they said before and missed a VITAL piece of information.. well.. My brain doesn't catch it... so that never gets stored...

so having them dumb down the test helped me a lot... because if I know the information i know it... if I read a question and I say.. WTF... then I don't know it.. that's as simple as it is for me... the unfortunate thing though.. and the thing that gets me to this day.. is I lose the information so fast... I work so hard... so very very hard to just have it to pass tests... and I lose it so easy... i'm crying writing this. I hope you appreciate this post.. because it's the hardest subject of my life.. Then we moved back to utah.. and well they couldn't do any of the stuff they did for me in Pennsylvania.. luckily though I learned a lot and they helped me so much that...

In 11th grade I took my yearly disability test they gave me test every year to assest how I was doing.. and in 11th grade I finally ... Passed as "average" on everything... that's right me.. the girl who does all that stuff to remember things... I FINALLY got average... and they said to me "do you still want our help" I clearly being so proud said "no i think i'll try to graduate on my own."

and guess what I did it! It's amazing really.. I got a scholarship to BYU-I for it and everything....

And then my dreams were crushed the first semester of college... right? college is hard? of course.... but I was still the kristy that... had a "secret" that got through High school and even with NO help in 12th grade! I was really really really happy about it and thought maybe I'd beaten it.. No.. it was even harder.. texts books had soo many new words... the work load was trippled... and for me .. that mean like x5... I was depressed... I spent nearly every hour in my room studying.. the scholarship I had... I had to have 14 credits to keep.. 14.. I got it for a disability? REALLY PEOPLE....

I remember having a class that took me 2 hours to read 20 pages... I had to read and re read and re read and re read.. and then the next day I still couldn't understand or remember the information.. Then my family started falling apart... so I decided to go home and not finish the year. My heart was broken I was defeated.. and my family was cracking between my fingers. I don't know how  I made it through the two years after that.

Then when I started dating clayton I decided... maybe I was just depressed maybe just maybe I can do better now.. I also gave up my secret. I said to myself "Kristy you can't do this alone anymore go talk to them they can help you." So I got into UVU and took the tests I needed to see what level I was on in things... I was on elementary school math.. I was about 7 classes below the algebra... it broke me... so I wen to the disability center.. determined to beat this thing again and have a life... I filled out this HUGE packet.. that asked questions that I wished people had asked me.. I was soo hopeful..

When I sat down in that room the lady looked over the packet and goes "Hmmm... so you have long term memory loss? that's interesting.. what is that like?."... right there... she had never even met someone with my disability.. I knew there was no hope for getting help.. it just got worse.. they told me sense I hadn't had an IUD test sense 11th grade I needed to get a new one to get help... which my only options were to get on BYU's LIST and then wait.. most likely two years to even get tested... or pay a ton of money to go to someone to get tested... so I asked her how they could help... the only help they had was having "extended time on tests" and "test read out loud to you."... I cried I called my dad told him I couldn't do it... Some how he talked me into staying in school.. and seeing how I did..

So I did it.. and not to my surprise... I got depressed.. and stressed... Granted I did get better grade... but I again had to sacrifice every spare minute I had...

I dropped out yet again.

My heart still breaks to this day... I struggle with this choice every day of my life... I think about it all the time... what I wouldn't give for my long term memory.. i'm crying again...

now that brings me back to the beginning of this post.. Why I could never be an addict... the thing I've heard the most... is when people drink, or do pills, or any kind of serious drug... they say they do it to "forget." I look at them and I say.. WHY... why would you want to forget? I wish I could remember the way you do.. I wish i could hold on to even the saddest times of my life..

After 2ish months almost three... I can finally remember everything I do in a day.... FINALLY well maybe not EVERYTHING.. but I mean to function.. I can remember what claytons classes are.. granted I still have to ask him a dozen times what they are but I can remember it again...

Being on lortab so long.. for like pretty much a whole year... I feel like I've lost five years of my life.. I didn't even realize it until now.. but I can't remember very much at all... it breaks my heart... I barely remember my wedding day... I hate them I hate pain pills...

But I'm grateful. oh man am i so happy to be able to remember again. well.. remember the best that I can..

thanks for reading.. i'm sorry it's so long..

always,

Claiming Mrs Edgerton