Even today... The only things I can think to write about are well..
.Depressing.
I'm sorry I'm such a "feel sorry for me" person. I really am trying but I don't think I could explain how hard this has been. I haven't written as often because I had that other foot blog.. then once the wound finally healed I guess I just didn't know what to write about.
We moved. woooooohooo.
I'm not going to lie I love the city of Berkeley! I love all the local businesses and just the town in general. However, Clayton starting school last week has been rough. Up until now I had a buddy even though we were poor as dirt for two weeks there, I still had him here. As soon as he started school though... It was like I was back to surgery kristy..
I suppose it's easier to revert back to how you felt when it was so close and you still haven't gotten rid of your bad habits. Trust me we both have some terrible no good non loving non couple habits we need to break...
With how long the surgeries went.. it kind of put us into a "care giver" and "care needed" positions in our relationship. Which I will never not once complain about how well clayton took care of me when I truly couldn't do anything for myself. He was amazing and stronger then I could have expected.. but now I don't need that anymore and he doesn't either. We need to be a normal couple again.. and I hope we can break these terrible no good very bad patterns in our days... I love him and I know we can break this. It's just hard.
I have no friends.. possibly can't get a job... but the other day I rode my bike for the first time to target. man was that a blast from the past I love riding bikes! I've said it before and I'll say it again! IT was fun! hard and soo good for my legs I haven't worked them that hard for so long i'm tired of being out of shape.. i'm tired of gaining weight I have no control over. I'm tired of not being able to dance for hours straight.
I still can not wait for the day I can do a cartwheel that day is not here yet. But I'm working and striving... Help me move forward? I love so many people and strive for so much. I may sound negative I just get lonely. I'm sorry.
ps. I've been reading a lot!
Always K-bear.
Why can't you get a job? Are you still having foot problems? That would be the best way to meet people and feel less lonely. Most of my friends are work friends. Anyway, i know about the feeling lonely and depressed thing. With Ben's schedule I feel like a single mom most days. And its hard watching everyone else's lives going on around you. Even though it may not always seem like its the most happy thing, sometimes that's what you need to write about. Then you can let it go. :)
ReplyDelete